If DeMarcus Cousins was a sitcom character he might have a wife named Vivian.
The 2010 NBA Draft begins tonight at 7 (ET) on ESPN. Unfortunately, Mel Kiper's hair will not be gracing us with its presence, but there's plenty of other things to keep an eye on. Here's what we're guaranteed to see: a bunch of undergrads will become millionaires, the Jazz and Warriors will sport their new logos at MSG, and at least one draftee will make a fashion fau paux he'll never live down. What we're hoping to see: We've got our fingers crossed David Stern finally brings back his mustache from 1984.
As for this year's draft class, by now your brain is probably ready to explode from all the conflicting scouting reports you've read on this year's prospects. It's draft day and by now you should know which player you want your team to select. In an effort to make this process as painless as possible, we've matched up the top prospects with the sitcom character they most resemble.
* The players listed are in the order in which Chad Ford and Bill Simmons selected them in yesterday's chat.
1. John Wall (Carlton Banks) - Like Carlton, Wall doesn't mind playing second fiddle on a star-studded cast. He led all freshmen in assists at Kentucky (6.4 APG) and is already drawing comparisons to Jason Kidd. Oh, and then there's the whole dancing thing: Carlton versus Wall.
2. Evan Turner (A.C. Slater) - Turner is arguably the most NBA-ready prospect. He can shoot from outside, score inside and rebound the ball (led OSU with 9.2 RPG). The last athlete with this much versatility was Bayside's three-sport star (football/wrestling/ballet) Albert Clifford.
3. Derrick Favors (Peter Griffin) - Favors is regarded as the draft's top big man and his attributes match up closely to Dwight Howard's. It's like Family guy versus The Simpsons: Favors (Griffin) has tons of upside but we need to see a larger body of work before we mention his name in the same sentence as Howard's (Homer).
4. DeMarcus Cousins (Will Smith or Uncle Phil) - As Chad Ford explained in the chat, it's a rarity to find 6'11'' 280 lb. big men who can score in the paint ... he could be a 20-10 guy for years to come. But, reports are that he is a bit of a head case. If Wall is Carlton, Cousins can only be one of two characters: If you think he's gonna be a star, he's Will Smith. If his work ethic worries you, he's Uncle Phil.
5. Greg Monroe (Norm Peterson) - Monroe has been soaring up draft boards because of his size (6'9'') and ability to pass (3.8 APG at G-Town in '09). He fits every offensive scheme and can play the SF and PF position. He's easy to play along side of, like that guy who hangs around that bar in Boston.
6. Wes Johnson (Butters Stotch) - Johnson transferred to Cuse from Iowa State but only played one season for the Orangemen before declaring for the NBA. Similarly, South Park's Butters didn't play a major role on the show until Season Five when Cartman and company invited him into their group. Both Butters and Johnson were spectacular during their time in the spotlight, but the question remains: Are Johnson and Butters superstars or products of their surrounding cast?
7. Ed Davis (Jack Klompus) That's right, Morty Seinfeld's Florida rival is Ed Davis. Both were part of storied programs (UNC and Seinfeld), both have tons of upside and both deserve more playing time.
8. Al-Farouq Aminu (Larry Appleton) The big knock on Aminu is he has trouble creating his own shots. The majority of his points come off dunks and he'll likely need to play along side a premiere floor general to succeed. Simply put: if your team has a Balki Bartokomous running the point, Aminu will flourish as the leading man.
9. Paul George (Wilson) - We don't really know much about the guy except that he's 6'8'', went to Fresno State and scored 16.8 PPG. He's mysterious, just like Tim Allen's neighbor on Home Improvement.
10. Gordon Hayward (Steve Urkel) - The lovable underdog that everybody roots for. And like Urkel, Hayward can handle the ball and shoot a jumper.
Tags: Haha, John Wall, Mel Kiper, Syracuse Orangemen, David Stern, Ed Davis, Fresno State, Will Smith, Evan Turner, DeMarcus Cousins, Steve Urkel, Greg Monroe, Carlton Banks, Bill Simmons, Gordon Hayward, Derrick Favors, Chad Ford, Paul George, Jack Klompus, Peter Griffin