From The Rundown

CAVALIER ATTITUDE
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"
That rock-solid (but not money-back) guarantee from the person of Cavs owner Dan Gilbert might look less menacing in italics than it did in Comic Sans, but that doesn't make it any less prescient. (Or precious.) Because if the NBA season ended today, his LeBron-less Cavaliers would finish with a better record than the LeBron-full Miami Heat. Not only that, but as anyone who remembers how to Google the Transitive Property of Equality can explain, since the Cavs just beat the Celtics, and the Celtics just beat the Heat, then the Cavs would certainly beat the Heat. So there's no need to play the games on December 2 (at Cleveland) or December 15 (at Miami) or January 31 (at Miami) or March 29 (at Cleveland). No need to play the playoffs, either. There may be some flawed logic here.
Cavs Beat Celtics | Heat Beat Sixers | Gilbert Doesn't Regret Letter, Doesn't Mention Font

More from The Rundown, including what Barry Bonds wants to do for his Giants now that he's retired (check that, he still hasn't officially retired), and some perfectly unclear advice for Carmelo Anthony, after the jump.

"I have a gift and sooner or later I have to give it away."
- Barry Bonds doesn't just want future hitters to follow his example, he wants them to follow his coaching (possibly by example) and learn the secrets to his success. Consider it his gift.
Read | Giveitaway, giveitaway, giveitaway now.

"You think the grass is going to be greener on the other side, because you think it's not raining here now. But by the time you walk to the other side, it might not be green. You might be going to the same dry season you experienced in the other part."
- Former Nugget Dikembe Mutombo has some advice for future former Nugget Carmelo Anthony. If only he can follow it.
Read