Commentary

The world is ending for Bottom 10 teams

Originally Published: September 28, 2011
By Mark Schlabach | ESPN.com

WEEK: Preseason | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:


That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane,
Lenny Bruce is not afraid.
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn -- world serves its own needs, regardless of your own needs.
Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt no, strength no.
Ladder structure clatter with fear of height, down height.
Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for hire and a combat site.
Left of West and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck.
Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop.
Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it'll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed.
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right -- right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

-- "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" -- R.E.M.

You know it's the end of the world if Temple is beating anybody by 31 points, let alone a team from a BCS conference.

And Maryland certainly can't feel fine after getting taken to the woodshed by a Steve Addazio-coached team.

The Owls blasted the Terrapins 38-7 on the road Saturday, their first victory over an ACC team and first road win over a team from an AQ conference since 2002.

Maybe the Terrapins need to start spending less time choosing their wardrobe and more time studying X's and O's. The embarrassing home loss earned Maryland the not-so-coveted spot in this week's Bottom 10 (if you're new to the Bottom 10, No. 5 is reserved for the top BCS blunder of the week).

An important part of the Bottom 10's world ended last week, when R.E.M. announced it was breaking up after 31 years together. The Athens, Ga.-based band will release three more new songs on a greatest hits album, which will be released in November. The Bottom 10 can't wait to hear "A Month of Saturdays." Until then, the Bottom 10 house band makes a rare encore and final appearance.

It's been a month of Saturdays to forget for the Bottom 10, especially the Bottom 10 all-time coach of the year, former New Mexico coach Mike Locksley. Locksley's head-coaching career ended, almost mercifully, on Sunday, after his teams compiled a 2-26 record in two-plus seasons. The Lobos will still pay Locksley $500,000 over the next three years for accomplishing absolutely nothing during the previous three years. Go figure.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and Michael Stipe, here's this week's Bottom 10:

ESPN.com's Bottom 10
  RANK TEAM RECORD COMMENT
1. New Mexico 0-4 "Bad Day": You know it's a bad day when your team loses to FCS foe Sam Houston State in overtime and a 19-year-old man gets a DWI in a car registered to your wife and son. What's worse? Getting fired the next morning.
2. Memphis 1-3 "We All Go Back To Where We Belong": After a one-week hiatus from the Bottom 10 -- for beating FCS foe Austin Peay, which shouldn't really count -- the Tigers are back near the bottom. They had 139 yards of offense and reached the red zone once in last week's 42-0 loss to SMU.
3. UNLV 1-3 "Imitation of Life": The Rebels actually imitated a football team when they upset Hawaii 40-20 on Sept. 17. They returned to reality (and futility) when they committed five turnovers and eight penalties in last week's inexplicable 41-16 loss to FCS opponent Southern Utah.
4. Florida Atlantic 0-3 "Second Guessing": Owls coach Howard Schnellenberger might be second-guessing his decision to retire after this season. Maybe he should have quit before the season even started, after the Owls fell to 0-3 after last week's 30-14 loss at Auburn.
5. Maryland 1-2 "At My Most Beautiful": At least the Terrapins looked dapper in their gold jerseys and black helmets -- until the Owls pulled their pants down. DeMatha Catholic High School's uniforms might be more fitting for Saturday's game against FCS foe Towson.
6. UAB 0-3 "Ignoreland": There's a silver lining in UAB's 0-3 start: hardly anyone has noticed in a state that's home to the last two BCS national champions, Alabama and Auburn. If the school's administration would quit ignoring the Blazers' archaic facilities, they might actually have a chance to be competitive.
7. Middle Tennessee 0-3 "Shiny Happy People": After losing two of their first three games by a field goal, the Blue Raiders probably can't wait for Saturday's home game against Memphis. Then again, the Tigers' only victory in 2010 was a 24-17 win over MTSU.
8. Minnesota 1-3 "Binky the Doormat": The Gophers have become the doormat of the Big Ten after losing to FCS foe North Dakota State 37-24 at home last week. Minnesota also lost to South Dakota in 2010. Thank goodness there's no East Dakota.
9. New Mexico State 1-3 "How the West Was Won and Where It Got Us": The Aggies lost at San Jose State 34-24 last week, which ended the Spartans' 13-game losing streak. The good news? The Aggies play at rival New Mexico on Saturday, this week's Pillow Fight of the Week.
10. Oregon State 0-3 "Everybody Hurts": Injuries are piling up at Oregon State, which dropped to 0-3 for the first time since 1996 after last week's 27-19 loss to UCLA. Up next: a trip to Pac-12 South favorite Arizona State.

Waiting list: ACC's weekend, Akron (1-3), Big East replay officials, Boston College (1-3), Buffalo (1-3), Central Michigan (1-3), Dragonfly swarms in Miami, Elevators in Buffalo, Free flights to Tennessee, Idaho (1-3), Indiana (1-3), Kent State (1-3), Louisiana-Monroe (1-3), Marshall (1-3), Miami (Ohio) (0-3), North Texas (1-3), Ole Miss (1-3), Rice (1-2), San Jose State (1-3), Scooter rides in Tallahassee, South Carolina's passing game, Star Wars references, Texas A&M's turnovers, Utah State's finishes, Western Kentucky (0-3).

Mark Schlabach covers college football for ESPN.com.

Mark Schlabach | email

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