Commentary

Golden Eagles pose as Parrotheads

Originally Published: November 23, 2011
By Mark Schlabach | ESPN.com

WEEK: Preseason | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:


I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year.
All of the faces and all of the places
Wonderin' where they all disappeared.
I didn't ponder the question too long;
I was hungry and went out for a bite.
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum,
And we wound up drinkin' all night.

It's those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes,
Nothing remains quite the same.
With all of our running and all of our cunning,
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

-- Jimmy Buffett, "Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes"

The Bottom 10 could use some changes in attitudes.

For the first 12 weeks of the 2011 college football season, Bottom 10 teams have accepted losing and overall ineptitude.

And believe us, if they couldn't laugh, they would have all gone insane.

Jimmy Buffett must be shaking his head this week. Buffett, who received a bachelor's degree in history from Southern Mississippi in 1969, watched his alma mater lose at UAB 34-31 last week. With a chance to win Conference USA's East Division, the not-so-Golden Eagles lost to the Blazers for the third straight time.

Fortunately for Southern Miss, they'll play Memphis, another Bottom 10 stalwart, at home this week with another chance to punch its ticket to the Dec. 3 Conference USA championship game. But last week's hiccup earned the Golden Eagles the not-so-coveted No. 5 spot in this week's Bottom 10.

Heading into Thanksgiving, the Bottom 10 will undoubtedly offer its opponents a buffet of victories.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and Jimmy Buffett, here's this week's Bottom 10, along with some of the Bottom 10's favorite tunes from Margaritaville:

ESPN.com's Bottom 10
RANK TEAM RECORD COMMENT
1. Florida Atlantic 0-10 "Pencil Thin Mustache": Legendary Owls coach Howard Schnellenberger's upper lip looks more like a rug. He'll have two more chances to earn one more victory before retirement, starting with Saturday's home game against UAB, this week's Pillow Fight of the Week. "Yeah, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache, then I could solve some mysteries too."
2. New Mexico 1-10 "Come Monday": After three years under Mike Locksley's regime, the Lobos will have a new coach next week. Former Notre Dame coach and ESPN commentator Bob Davie accepted the unenviable challenge of rebuilding the Lobos. "Come Monday, it'll be alright. Come Monday I'll be holding you tight."
3. Akron 1-10 "Cheeseburger in Paradise": The Zips became ground beef in last week's 51-10 loss at Buffalo, as the Bulls ran for 331 yards and enjoyed their highest scoring total in more than 10 seasons. "I like mine with lettuce and tomato. Heinz Fifty-Seven and French fried potatoes."
4. Indiana 1-10 "Defying Gravity": After losing seven games in a row, you'd figure the Hoosiers could only go up. Wrong. They lost 55-3 at Michigan State and take an eight-game losing streak into Saturday's finale against Purdue. "I'm riding a big round ball. I never do dream I may fall."
5. Southern Miss 9-2 "Changes in Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes": With a chance to win Conference USA still on the line, the Golden Eagles can only laugh about last week's loss at UAB. "With all of our running and all of our cunning, if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."
6. Memphis 2-9 "Elvis Imitators": The Tigers have been imitating a football team all season, falling to Marshall 23-22 last week. Their season ends with Saturday's trip to Southern Miss. "This imitation Elvis may not be the king. But baby I'm the next best thing."
7. Kansas 2-9 "Fins": The Jayhawks must have felt like chum in the ocean last week, allowing 469 yards of offense in a 61-7 loss at Texas A&M. "You got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only bait in town."
8. Colorado 2-10 "First Look": The Buffaloes' first trip through the Pac-12 has been one to forget, as they take a 1-7 conference record into Friday's finale at Utah. "I studied the language tapes, and I read all the books. Still nothing prepared me for my very first look."
9. Tulane 2-10 "Grapefruit-Juicy Fruit": How does a 2-10 team get to play in a bowl game? Schedule a road game at Hawaii on the last Saturday of the season. "Grapefruit. Bathing suit. Chew a little Juicy Fruit. Wash away the night."
10. Ole Miss 2-9 "Sending the Old Man Home": Houston Nutt will coach the Rebels for the last time in Saturday's Cracked Egg Bowl at Mississippi State. The Rebels will try to end a six-game losing streak and win their first SEC game. "They're sending the old man home. Back where the buffalo roam."

Waiting list: Army (3-8), Boston College (3-8), Clemson's focus, Columbia's band ban, Duke (3-8), Idaho (2-9), Instant replay at Tennessee, Maryland (2-9), Middle Tennessee (2-8), Minnesota (2-9), Oklahoma's defense, Texas' offense, UNLV (2-8)

Mark Schlabach covers college football for ESPN.com.

Mark Schlabach | email

College Football and Basketball