They're baaaack: USC a horror flick

Originally Published: October 1, 2013
By Mark Schlabach | ESPN.com

WEEK: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | BYE | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

Mrs. Murphy: "May I help you boys?"

Elwood: "You got any white bread?"

Mrs. Murphy: "Yes."

Elwood: "I'll have some toasted white bread please."

Mrs. Murphy: "You want butter or jam on that toast, honey?"

Elwood: "No ma'am, dry."

Jake: "Got any fried chicken?"

Mrs. Murphy: "Best damn chicken in the state."

Jake: "Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke."

Mrs. Murphy: "You want chicken wings or chicken legs?"

Jake: "Four fried chickens and a Coke."

Elwood: "And some dry white toast please."

-- Aretha Franklin, Dan Akroyd and John Belushi, "The Blues Brothers"

Hollywood director and producer Steven Spielberg knows white bread when he sees it.

Spielberg, who had a bit part in John Landis'1980 film "The Blue Brothers," also can recognize a disaster.

Speaking at USC last week, Spielberg was asked to identify his favorite disaster movie. "The Washington State game," he answered.

Ouch.

The Bottom 10 wonders what Spielberg thought about Saturday night's 62-41 loss at Arizona State? We know what USC athletics director Pat Haden thought about another ugly Trojans loss; he fired coach Lane Kiffin only a few minutes after the Trojans returned home to L.A. early Sunday morning.

While Kiffin's offense was about as exciting as white bread, at least he could recruit and evaluate talent. USC twice denied Spielberg admission to its film school, forcing him to settle for Cal State Long Beach! USC later awarded him an honorary degree and made him a trustee.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and Steven Spielberg, here's this week's Bottom 10, spanning all of Spielberg's directing and producing universe:

ESPN.com's Bottom 10
RANK TEAM 2013 RECORD COMMENT
1. Southern Miss 0-4 "Gremlins:" Billy couldn't expose Gizmo to sunlight, get him wet or feed him after midnight. Apparently, you can't give the not-so-Golden Eagles the ball. In last week's 60-7 loss at Boise State, they had two field goals blocked and two passes intercepted, and they lost a fumble on a punt return in their 16th straight loss.
2. Georgia State 0-4 "Back to the Future:" If only the Panthers could drive Dr. Brown's DeLorean into the future, when they might have better football players. After losing three times to FCS foes in its first four games, Georgia State plays at No. 1 Alabama on Saturday. "Great Scott!"
3. Directional U 2-12 "Close Encounters of the Third Kind:" There hasn't been anything close about Directional U's encounters this season. Central, Eastern and Western Michigan are a combined 0-for-11 against FBS foes, losing by an average of 28.1 points.
4. F_U 1-8 "Blues Brothers:" There might actually be hope this coming weekend for the Sunshine State's blues brothers. FIU plays at Southern Miss on Saturday in the Pillow Fight of the Week; FAU plays at UAB. A 2-0 outcome seems like a mission from God.
5. USC 3-2 "Poltergeist:" After three-plus years under Kiffin and NCAA probation, maybe now Trojans fans are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. "Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the light. There is peace and serenity in the light."
6. New Mexico State 0-5 "War Horse:" We're guessing Saturday's battle between New Mexico and New Mexico State -- the Rio Grande Rivalry -- will be even more entertaining than Spielberg's two-hour, 26-minute epic about a horse in World War I.
7. Temple 0-4 "Raiders of the Lost Ark:" More like "Raiders of the Lost Cause." Perhaps the Owls' best chance at a victory this season ended with a 26-24 loss at Idaho on Saturday. At least they still get to play UConn't on Nov. 23.
8. Purdue 1-4 "Catch Me If You Can:" The Boilermakers chased Northern Illinois all over the field on Saturday, but rarely caught the Huskies in a 55-24 loss at home. NIU piled up 402 yards of offense. Purdue is now tied for the worst loss ever by a Big Ten team against a MAC foe. Toledo beat Minnesota by 31 in 2001.
9. UConn't 0-4 "The Money Pit:" The Huskies fired coach Paul Pasqualoni on Monday after he compiled a 10-18 record in two-plus seasons. He'll get a $750,000 buyout for sucking out whatever life was left in the UConn't program.
10. South Florida 0-4 "Transformers:" Remember when the Bulls were a top-10 program under former coach Jim Leavitt? Skip Holtz and Willie Taggart have transformed them into the cellar dwellers of the American Athletic Conference.

Waiting list: North Carolina (1-3), Memphis (1-2), SMU (1-3), Tennessee blocking its own field goal, Iowa State (1-2), UAB (1-3), Tulsa (1-3), North Carolina's defense, UTEP (1-3), Ole Miss poking the bear, Louisiana Tech (1-4), Idaho (1-4), U Mass (0-4), Arkansas' not-so-friendly hospitality, Miami, Ohio (0-4), Akron (1-4), Georgia Tech's passing game, San Diego State (1-3), San Jose State (1-3), Hawaii (0-4), Oklahoma State's flop, New Mexico (1-3), California (1-3), Kentucky (1-3).

Mark Schlabach | email

College Football and Basketball

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