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| Tuesday, March 27 Here's one offer Sox fans can't refuse By Mark Kreidler Special to ESPN.com |
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Baseball fans! Tired of waiting until August for your inevitable annual dose of home-team heartbreak? Languish no longer! Here at 1-800-NOSMILE, it's not too late to retroactively declare your membership in the longest-running opera of despair in all of sports! The Boston Red Sox Fan Base is ready to admit you right now! That's right! You're still in time to expect the worst before the baseball season even begins!
Recall the ghosts of failures past! Investigate the curse of the Bambino until your eyes glaze over and your head hangs in abject frustration! Bemoan the loss of Fenway Park years before it has even the slightest chance of actually being lost! Believe in the S.I. cover jinx? We've got the team for you! Chart the progression of Nomar Garciaparra's season from magazine cover to tendon surgery in a chat-room built especially for you and fellow Bosox sufferers! One call to 1-800-NOSMILE, and we've got you covered. For a single, reasonable three-payment fee, you can receive the following:
And that's just for starters! Each month, you'll receive your own personal copy of Bosox Blues, the official shareware newsletter of tormented Boston followers everywhere. Swap tales of woe with friends, or take a few moments to participate in our special "I Knew the Season Was Lost When..." contest, in which the fan who most accurately predicts when the 2001 Red Sox will be given over to certain doom takes home a fabulous array of prizes.
You've found a home at the Sox Fan Base! We're ready to share your pain! See the glass as neither half-empty nor half-full, but rather as a pointless collection of molecules destined to be returned to useless sand and dust in a mere eyeblink of history! If you act now, we'll be happy to waive our standard eligibility requirement -- you will not be asked to provide Bob Stanley's lifetime ERA! And not only that, but our operators at 1-800-NOSMILE are standing by, prepared to ship you your congratulatory membership gift: A full transcript of every Roger Clemens question-and-answer session in the 12 months prior to his breach of the Yawkey Trust! Other fan clubs ask you to buy and buy, but not here at NOSMILE. You're a Red Sox fan -- you've paid enough already! Instead, we invite you to sit back and enjoy such amenities as our monthly questionnaire. If you join today, there's still time to get in on this month's discussion, "Lou Merloni, Mike Lansing or Craig Grebeck: Who's the Answer?" Next month? "Should Carl Everett Get An Updated Bus Schedule?" Come on, make that call! It's a great opportunity to get in on the pain and suffering. Don't you read the papers? Nomar's going to be out for months! We're six feet under and it's only March! The time is right, Bosox fans! Call 1-800-NOSMILE and get started today. Remember, it's never too early to begin contemplating suffering when you're rooting for the team from Fenway! You're about to become a part of history! What's not to like?
Mark Kreidler is a columnist for the Sacramento Bee, which has a Web site at http://www.sacbee.com/. |
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