| | If you ask most people (and frankly, who has the time for that?),
they'll tell you that they're up to the gizzard in end-of-decade,
end-of-century and end-of-the-millennium extravaganzae. I mean, once
A&E declared Gutenberg to be the Man Of The Millennium for inventing
movable type, every other list was rendered, well, pretty damned trivial. I
mean, if you've got Genghis Khan in your top 50, what could Secretariat
deliver?
|  | | Tonya Harding skated at Lillehammer, but is remembered for much more. |
But that hasn't stopped us, nor has the fact that the millennium still
has another year and change to go. Every new day brings with it another
string of important people, significant events and morally uplifting and
inspirational deeds to make us feel good about the next thousand years.
Sports has been as egregious in this matter as any other subphylum of
society -- and in fairness, this includes ESPN and its Century's Greatest
Athletes show-and-tell. All of its 100 finalists were selected for their
skill, their appeal and their nobility (and in at least the case of Ty
Cobb, despite it).
Yet sports is more than the ennobling, inspiring and touching. It is
also about the venal, the brainless, the hateful and the plain nutty --
after all, there is something viscerally pleasing about watching your
heroes on the tube and telling your pals, "You know, I didn't do anything
that stupid ever, even when I threw up on that cop."
So please spare a moment for some of the people that reminded us this
century through their words or deeds that it isn't all snicks and giggles
in Sportsville.
(Author's note: We don't claim that all these deeds are equally
heinous -- just things nobody ever asked for or thought was a good idea when
it was introduced. We're half-blind on watermelon schnapps and Kettle Chips
and doing this off the tops of our heads, so cut us a break here.)
Like Arnold Rothstein, the man who codified game-fixing for all time
by corrupting the 1919 World Series. True, the writing and later filming of
"Eight Men Out" is a mitigating factor, but he's still a weasel for the
century.
Like Lou Perini, the man who trumped Walter O'Malley by moving the
Boston Braves to Milwaukee in 1952, five years before O'Malley invaded Los
Angeles.
Like Allan Eagleson, the agent who helped set up the National Hockey
League Players Association so that he could expand his list of
swindle-worthy clients.
Like Avery Brundage, the head of the International Olympic Committee,
who saw the warm, engaging side of the Third Reich, and Juan Antonio
Samaranch, the current head of the IOC, who downscaled his office's scope
to the acquisition and disbursement of graft.
Like Latrell Sprewell, who still sees his choking of P.J. Carlesimo as
the fault of the Golden State Warriors' public relations department.
| |
“ |
Yet sports is more than the ennobling, inspiring and touching. It is
also about the venal, the brainless, the hateful and the plain nutty --
after all, there is something viscerally pleasing about watching your
heroes on the tube and telling your pals, 'You know, I didn't do anything
that stupid ever, even when I threw up on that cop.'
” |
Like Tonya Harding, the first non-professional wrestler to try to
cripple an opponent before an event.
Like Bowie Kuhn, wearing a sport coat at the World Series on
television in an attempt to convince the nation that it doesn't get cold in
late October.
Like all the Denver Broncos fans in the mid-'80s who said they would
rather have seen their team lose the AFC Championship game than go to the
Super Bowl and get demolished again.
Like every NFL owner who ever said he (or she) needs a
publicly-financed stadium "to stay competitive," when there is already a
hard salary cap and $50-some-odd-million per year in television revenues to
make being competitive a matter of brainwork rather than brickwork.
Like O.J. Simpson, syndrome of the age.
Like Scott Boras, who encouraged his client Adrian Beltre to forget
his date of birth for five successive years, and the Los Angeles Dodgers,
for making sure he kept forgetting.
Like Eric Lindros, who signed his first NHL contract with both the
Philadelphia Flyers and New York Rangers just to avoid signing with the
Quebec Nordiques.
Like the latest revival of Roller Derby on TNN.
Like Dennis Rodman, who would want to skate on both the men's and
women's teams.
Like A&E devoting a week of its "Biography" series to professional
wrestling between "Game Show Hosts Week" and "Hitler: The Prairie
Years."
Like mascots.
Like Jim Schoenfeld saluting referee Don Koharski with that old
Anglican hymn, "Have another doughnut, you fat pig."
Like the defunct hundreds of teams that never saw the TV money, the
all-sports networks' need for programming or the infestations of sports
radio on which the survivors feed to their stomachs' content. Like:
The New Orleans Jazz, the Buffalo Braves, the St. Louis Browns, the
Memphis Rogues, the Philadelphia Bell, the San Francisco Golden Gate Gales,
the San Diego Conquistadors, the Lancaster Red Roses, the Cleveland
Spiders, the Montreal Maroons, the Kansas City Scouts, the New England Tea
Men, the Spirits of St. Louis, the Syracuse Nationals, the Providence
Steamrollers, the Pittsburgh Ironmen, the Ottawa Silver Seven, the Atlanta
Chiefs, the Hawaiians, the Vancouver Millionaires, the Chicago Zephyrs, the
Albany Patroons, the Oakland Clippers, the Miami Screaming Eagles, the
Birmingham Americans, the Phoenix Roadrunners, the Tri-Cities Hawks, the
Portland Forest Dragons, the Southern California Sun, the Wichita Wings,
the Baltimore Bullets, the Virginia Squires, the Carolina Cougars, the Las
Vegas Quicksilvers, the Seattle Pilots, the Minnesota Muskies, the
Cincinnati Stingers, the Dallas Texans, the Houston Aeros, the Kentucky
Colonels, the Connecticut Bicentennials, and our own personal favorite, the
Toronto Metros-Croatia.
Let's see Gutenberg beat all that.
Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Examiner is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. | |
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The end of the century
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