ROME IS BURNING
Another major and another major champion you have never heard of. Congratulations to Shaun Micheel? That would make the immortal Ben Curtis and Shaun Micheel your last two major winners. Not Tiger Woods, not Ernie Els and certainly not Phil Mickelson. And other than the brilliant 7 iron to close it out on 18, this year's PGA might have been the least interesting major ever. Not a lot of interest when you have Micheel, Chad Campbell and Tim Clark coming down the stretch. And despite all the glares and sideways looks from Tiger when the subject comes up, he is in a slump. Oh for your last 6 is a slump if you're Tiger Woods. And while Shaun Micheel and Ben Curtis are polishing their major championship trophies Lefty is looking forward to getting a few bets down on the Super Bowl. That makes a lot of sense. Shaun Micheel? I'll look forward to another guy no one has ever heard of winning the Masters in 8 months.

Not that there was any doubt, but John Henry Williams is still the worst son ever. And he has increased his lead. Sports Illustrated reported recently that Ted Williams is not hanging upside down peacefully in one of those pickle jars in a cryonics lab in Arizona. Instead, his head reportedly sits on a shelf in what appears to be a lobster pot, cracking, while the rest of his body is in the same room in a liquid nitrogen tank. Well, at least they left his dome and his body in the same room. You'd hate for this thing to get ridiculous or anything. Meanwhile, Alcor's former C.O.O. Larry Johnson accused the company of dumping illegal chemicals and bodily fluids behind their offices. Great, I'm afraid Ted's head is going to be out there in a week or so. Like, "Hey, Ted's head is starting to stink up the place, what do you want me to do with it? Ah, screw it; throw it in the gutter behind the building. Believe me; it's no worse than what they've already done to the man. John Henry's luxury suite in hell has long since been reserved. Chaining his father to a desk and making him sign all those autographs seems dignified in comparison to all this.

The Sporting News, typically an informative and useful rag, missed badly in combining Los Angeles and Anaheim and calling it the best sport city in America. First of all, you can't merge LA and Anaheim into a single sports town: that implies one town, with one set of fans cheering on the home teams. But nothing could be further from the truth: There are two sets of fans and they hate each other. Well, Anaheim hates LA. Of course they do, everyone hates LA. And understandably so. Look, I'm a LA. Native, but this is not a good sports town. We show up late, leave early, and care more about whom we see at the games and who see us, than whether or not our team wins. Furthermore, this weeks Botox blast into the forehead is lot more important than whether or not the dodgers gain any ground in a wildcard chase., what you wear, where you go, who sees you there, what you drive, where you eat, and what table you get and how much you make, are always going to be more important to LA. Fans than how the home team does. Best sports town in America? Uh-uh. Worst? Probably.

Former Baylor coach Dave Bliss' reputation continues to take a pounding after tapes of him telling his assistants and players to lie to investigators about Patrick Dennehy and his program surfaced. Bliss, who resigned on Aug. 8, has admitted that he helped pay the slain Dennehy's tuition but only after reportedly telling players and coaches to say that Dennehy paid for it himself by selling drugs. Nothing like dragging a dead kids name through the gutter to save your own backside. Bliss said, "The bizarre circumstances painted me into a corner and I chose the wrong way to act." Wrong. You painted yourself into a corner by breaking a rule, lying about it and coercing those around you to lie about it. Answer investigators' questions, and tell the truth. How hard is that? Congratulations coach; your actions in the last two weeks have wiped out 28 years of hard work and 500+ wins. Goodbye job, goodbye career, goodbye reputation. The cover-up is always worse than the crime. Next time, tell the truth. Even if there's not going to be a next time for you.

Actress Rene Zelwegger is on the rise, or at least her weight is. The producers of Bridget Jones II, or what ever it is called, are paying her to get her grub on. The character is a slob, she's too thin, so they're paying her $112 grand for every pound she gains. They're paying her to eat. That works. But, couldn't' they have just gone out and found a fat actress to start with and save the casche. Nothing like getting a few hundred grrr to stuff your face with milkshakes and cheeseburgers. And no, George foreman is not in the movie.

No sooner than he finished calling cowboys coach Bill Parcells "the homo", Jeremy Shockey decided that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones should take some next. In ESPN the Magazine, he said that he wanted to run over Jones and step on his face. Hey Shock, grow up. Enough already. And from the looks of things, it would appear that someone beat you to it. Jerry, what did you do to yourself?

Mike DiFelice went Lou Pinella after he was run from a recent game against the twins. Umpire Jerry Layne called Torii Hunter safe on a play at the plate and DiFelice snapped. He got run from the game and started lobbing coolers and trash cans on the field. Look, I like a good baseball meltdown as much as the next guy, but he does know he's mike DiFelice, right? He does know he got cut from the Diamondbacks for trying to light a woman on fire, right. Almost as surprising as a back up catcher acting like that was the fact that benches nearly cleared later in the game when AJ Pryzinski was thrown at. (What, people don't like AJ Pryzinkski?

Warm RIB birthday wishes to former Laker great Magic Johnson who was born 44 years ago this week. Safe to say, there are very few people who have lived the life that Erv has. From NCAA champion to NBA champion, to Hall of a Famer. To testing positive for the HIV virus, thanks to a promiscuous and thoughtless lifestyle, to washing out as a head coach and having his players disregard him completely. To failing even more miserably as a talk show host. To rallying in the business community by feverishly scraping butter off popcorn and watering down Cokes in his movie theaters. To giving back to the inner city by creating jobs and hope. Erv, you have taken some on the program, but i can certainly acknowledge your warrior spirit and the impact you have had on who knows how many HIV positive people. You clearly are a source of inspiration to them and many others. Happy birth, T.

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