When I was 2 or 3 months old, my mother dropped me down a flight of concrete stairs and into a bucket of boiling pork rinds.
When I was 6, I went through extensive electroshock treatment to rid myself of a lisp.
When I was 14, a softball slammed into my chest and stopped my heart for 48 seconds.
When I was 17, I saw my grandmother naked.
When I was 19, I smoked a cigarette laced with triclosan and perchlorate.
When I was 31, I paid $10 to see "From Justin to Kelly."
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