Scenes from a book tour

Updated: November 7, 2009, 11:50 AM ET
By Bill Simmons | ESPN.com

Book tours are debilitating. My body clock is so screwed up that, on consecutive nights, I woke up in the middle of the night and had no idea where I was. My right thumb has swelled to 140 percent the size of my left thumb. My back is crumbling like blue cheese. My immune system might turn me into Patient X of Swine Flu 2.0 before everything's said and done. Even my BlackBerry mouse no longer can move to the right.

The good news: All of these things are fixable. (Well, except for my right ...

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