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You'll never guess what I did

Updated: June 13, 2010, 9:23 AM ET
By Chris Jones | Special to ESPN.com

Contributing writer Chris Jones documented his journey from Ottawa, Ontario, to Johannesburg. Here is his story of woe (minus the toilet humor).

Tuesday, June 8, 10:56 a.m.: Leave house a blubbering mess, waving at crying wife and kids out taxi window. Taxi driver helpfully asks me how much my front porch cost. Discussion of merits of cedar versus pressure-treated lumber provides useful distraction from overwhelming sorrow.

11:14 a.m.: Arrive at delightfully quaint Ottawa ...

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