Are you the kind of person who only went to school to eat the sandwich your mom packed?
Is the $500 question on "Millionaire" too much for you?
Are you feeling dumber than a Glad bag full of dirt?
Then do what I do! Surf WikiAnswers.com for an hour or two and you'll feel like Stephen Hawking. These are real questions with real answers, provided by very smart Internet users, or, at the very least,
Internet users. I left all spellings and answers as I found them.
Q: Do they clean the ice after a ice hockey game?
... with Pledge.
Q: Who was the first person to dunk a basket ball?
A: James Naismith ... invented basketball so he is the one who dunked the first basketball.
... true. Dr. James Naismith had hella-hops. He was known on the playgrounds as "Doctor N."
Q: Who is the fastest man on earth?
A: Jermain Bolt.
... that's Tito's brother.
Q: Why does tennis ball have fuzz?
A: To prevent the ball from travelling too fast. Since baseballs have been recorded to fly over 100-miles per hour, a tennis ball of the same speed would go straight through the racket.
... ignore the little serve-speed counter at Wimbledon, showing serves going 130-plus. That's kilometers.
Q: Who played 3 professional sports?
A: Michael Jordan, basketball, baseball, golf
... few people realize that Jordan spent his middle school summers playing the Hogan Tour.
Q: What year did Michael Phelps participate in the olyimpics?
A: I believe it was in the 2003 Olympics.
... true, though the 2003 Olympics were one of the lesser known Games, as they were staged in Ogallala, Nebraska.
Q: What is the rule for football?
A: A rule for football is that you are not allowed to hold anyone when you tackle them.
... a rule that was followed explicitly in the fourth quarter of the 2008 Super Bowl by all New England Patriots defenders.
Q: How is baseball now different from baseball back then?
A: It has different players.
... except for Tim Wakefield.
Q: Who as the longest time someone has hold their breath?
A: for about 20 minutes
... then they died.
... meanwhile, there should be a special category for this exchange, which may set a WikiAnswers.com record for stupidity:
Q: how fast has Lance Armstrong ever road on a bike?
A: probably. most people know how to ride a bike. neil armstrong knows how to ride a bike because be has been in the tour de france race for more than 7 times.
... and don't forget to read Armstrong's engrossing autobiography: "It's Not About the Rocket."
Q: What is Tiger Woods' favorite football team?
A: Los Angeles Raiders
... He especially loves their iconoclastic owner, Al Madden.
Q: How many hot dogs did Babe Ruth eat?
... which showed real willpower, considering he loved them even as a kid.
Q: What is the fastest baseball pitch ever thrown?
A: The fastest recorded pitch was ... nolan ryan (was on the angels till death) Radar Speed: 107 mph
... Both answers will come as a shock to Ryan, who owns the Texas Rangers as we speak.
Q: What games are played with a bat and no ball?
... also, any game played by the Houston Astros.
Q: Is Kobe Bryant the father of (actress) Khail (The Perfect Holiday) Bryant?
... He's also the father of actor Jaden Smith and singer Justin Bieber.
Q: Who is eligible to play in the Ryder cup?
A: Usually it is played between a European team and a American team.
... but not always. There is a play-in round with America vs. Canada, the winner going on to play Europe. It's just that Canada has never won it.
Q: How much do SportsCenter anchors make?
A: SportsCenter anchors (make) $20 an hour at the minimum. They get paid for the amount of shows they appear on, too.
... plus tips.
Q: How many years do you need to go to college to become a sports writer?
A: 50 billion YEARS!!!!!!!!!
... and you'd still be younger than me.
... Sadly, not all of the questions on WikiAnswers.com have been solved. Luckily, we are here to answer these questions. Again, these are actual questions submitted by actual human beings with actual Internet connections.
Q: Do they remove the ice when going from ice hockey to basketball?
... No, each employee of the hockey club is required to take a one-foot-by-one-foot square of it home and store it in their home freezers. Then they bring it back for the next game.
Q: Did Muhammad Ali ever had a dog?
... yes. His name was Jerry Quarry.
Q: Is it possible to verse your sibling in Wimbledon tennis?
... yes. Here is a verse Venus Williams wrote about her sibling, Serena:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I wish I had
More majors than you
Q: How do you throw a 100 mph fastball?
... get Greg Anderson to be your trainer.
Q: What is Gillette stadium made of?
... close shaves?
Q: Who is the nationwide world's greatest spokesperson in the world?
... this is a very difficult question to answer because just reading it drops your IQ 40 points.
Q: If WaterWorld happens what will happen to the people?
... The new U.S. president would become Michael Phelps, famed star of the 2003 Olympics.
Q: What are the hours in the nfl?
... The NFL is open 9 to 5, Monday thru Friday, and 8-to-noon on Saturdays. For now, it is closed Sundays.
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Rick Reilly is the 11-time National Sportswriter of the Year. He contributes essays and commentary to "SportsCenter" and ESPN/ABC golf and tennis coverage. He's also the host of "Homecoming," ESPN's unique, one-hour interview show set in the hometowns of legendary athletes. For more Rick, check out the archive.
Feel like taking a detour from sane sports? Try Rick's new book, "Sports from Hell."