Irish demand just desserts, don't mean eclairs

Mon, Nov 30
2:51
PM ET

Nearly two weeks ago, France's top player Thierry Henry scored a controversial goal to eliminate Ireland from World Cup contention. This did not sit well with the Irish, who have since filed complaints with everyone but Santa Claus demanding justice. In fact, they actually requested FIFA allow them into the World Cup anyway, which would result in a 33-team bracket only Escher could comprehend. Had this worked, TCU was expected to call dibs as the third team in the BCS Championship.

thierry henry

Page 2 hates to see these two nations fight, so we hereby offer these compromises to assuage this international incident:

To help Ireland recover thefinancial loss, Guinness is named the official beer of all 2010 World Cup soccer hooligans.

Ireland is included in all World Cup video games. A cheat code turns the French players into actual frogs.

Any Irishmen who comes across a Frenchmen in a pub gets to administer one free penalty shot to the groin.

Like flying a flag at half mast, French players aren't allowed to zip their warm-up jackets all the way up like soccer dudes like to do. They must wear them in the most unstylish half-open fashion to show their contrition.

French fries are banned in South Africa for the entire World Cup and replaced with Boxty, a traditional Irish potato pancake that actually goes down very nicely with the official beer of all soccer hooligans.