Leave it to Congress to make righteous virtue out of doing absolutely nothing. A House subcommittee approved legislation on Wednesday -- note to legal scholars: just a bill, on Capitol Hill, hopes and prays to be a law someday -- that would ban the promotion of a postseason NCAA Division I Football Bowl Subdivision game as a "national championship" unless it results from a playoff.
In other words: Our duly-elected representatives aren't requiring D-I football to adopt a much longed-for playoff system. Nor are they opening up the NCAA's restraint-of-trade and nonprofit worm cans. Nope. That would take work. Instead, Congress is simply en route to proclaiming that if the BCS wants to keep on keepin' on, it will have to call the national title game something else. Like, for instance, "BCS Championship Game."
Hit 'em where it hurts, boys!
With the above in mind, Page 2 suggests the following additional legislation, all of it designed to -- ahem -- solve the rest of the sports world's most vexing problems, Congress-style:
• H. Res. 312: Wherein a professional football player is determined by appropriate medical authorities to have suffered a concussion, he shall be required to ingest two (2) ibuprofen pills before returning to a game.
• S. Res 5: Professional basketball teams located in the state of New Jersey heretofore shall be immediately eligible to participate in the NCAA Division I men's postseason basketball tournament.
• H. Res 601: The University of Tennessee athletic department shall be explicitly barred from naming Rachel Uchitel head recruiting coordinator.
• S. Res 75: As an amendment to the Troubled Asset Relief Program and for the purposes of all activities falling under the umbrella of "fantasy football," a forward pass thrown by professional quarterback Jay Cutler that is caught by any other player, including opposing players, shall be considered a "completion."
• H. Res 11: Media and press organizations shall be banned from publishing and disseminating information about professional golfer Tiger Woods, unless they use the name "Eldrick."