Sports in 3-D won't be without drawbacks

Wed, Jan 6
12:14
PM ET
Jerry JonesAl Messerschmidt/Getty Images3-D TV promises to bring us closer to the entire game. Shouldn't we be careful what we wish for?

ESPN is going 3-D. So so so so so awesome. Well, that was my first reaction. Then I thought this through a bit more. There are definitely a few drawbacks to sports in 3-D that could undermine the entire thing. You have been warned.

Jerry Jones -- I'm not sure what dimension his face came from, but it's best if it stays out of ours.

Scary athletes -- I won't say any of them by name. You know who they are. They have some past issues with the law. I'm already scared of them ON PAPER. If they suddenly start showing up in my living room, I'll have to cover my couch in plastic.

Cheerleaders -- You think this is a good idea? Maybe even the best part of sports in 3-D? Not when you lose your job for failing to show up to work for weeks, you pervert.

Summer Olympics -- Javelin, discus, shot put. By the time I remember I don't have to scream and jump for cover, the Olympics will be over. Then they won't be back again for another four years, I'll forget I wasn't actually being attacked and the whole cycle will start over again.

The WNBA -- The fundamentals of the game are so friggin' sound, and now we'll be able to see them in all their glory. The only possible result is the destruction of the NBA.

Tour de France -- Is it possible to get a contact high from being close to 3-D TV people? My body is a temple!

Commercials -- I don't know if the commercials will be in 3-D. But considering how much louder commercials are than the actual programs, chances are that not only will the commercials be enhanced, but the actors in the commercials will come out of the TV and punch you in your face until you buy their product.

You -- If the players are in 3-D, guess who else will be? You, the fans sitting in the stands. Nothing against you, but I don't think I need an Avatar-level experience of you burping while eating your nachos.

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