An open letter to Olympic-lovin' Canadians

Fri, Feb 26
12:32
PM ET
Canada Women's Hockey TeamLuis Acosta/AFP/Getty Images

Dear Canada,

Congratulations! No more tears. Your ragtag bunch of scrappy underdog college -- excuse us, university -- kids just took out the fearsome Soviet hockey juggernaut, setting the stage for Rocky Balboa single-handedly to end the Cold War … oh, wait. That was the Miracle on Ice. But hey, your collection of highly paid elite professional grown men still beat the Russkies! Which means you're on the way to reviving your moribund Olympic mojo and putting this whole "Own the Podium" fiasco behind you -- provided you follow our five-point plan for becoming a future Winter Games powerhouse:

1. Expand curling: You say hockey is your national sport. But let's get Dr. Phil real: You kick serious tail in rock tossing and ice sweeping. So petition the International Olympic Committee for more of it. Senior curling. Downhill curling. Bikini beach curling. (Ratings would go through the roof.) What did the United States do when we got tired of getting pwned in Euro-centric events like Nordic combined? We got Jacques Rogge & Co. to add snowboarding. We'd get them to add skateboarding and competitive eating to the Summer Games slate if we could. More medals for us, dude.

2. Make tennis and golf Winter Olympic sports: According to your own Olympic officials, Team Canada is struggling because rabid home ice fans are … too enthusiastic. Too loud, even. (Also the same reason Duke always loses at Cameron Indoor.) Solution? Make the Winter Games home to two sports where boisterous rooting is kept under wraps. Then hire Stevie Williams to enforce matters. Problem solved.

Read on ... there's more where this came from.

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