World Cup language that's TV-worthy

Fri, Jun 11

Son of a witch! According to reports, the Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work Saturday's England-United States World Cup match have been studying English-language obscenities, the better to issue potential penalties if players use abusive or offensive language.

As such, I hope South Africa has basic cable.

Indeed, there's only one way for the members of Team USA and their English counterparts to avoid costly yellow and red cards: watch lots of edited-for-television movies, where foul words are replaced by absurd -- but clean! -- alternatives. For example, "Snakes on a Plane," in which Samuel L. Jackson utters the immortal dubbed catch phrase "I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!"

Nonsensical? Without doubt. (Really: everyone knows snakes fight mongooses, not monkeys). But also non-offensive, the kind of bull-spit that will keep you on the pitch. Rooney and Donovan, take notes.

Herein, a few more of Page 2's favorite movie-ese profanities:

Film Curse Overdub
"Hot Fuzz" Funk you!
"Repo Man" Mellon farmer!
"Do the Right Thing" Mickey-Fickey!
"Robocop" Mother crusher!
"Jackie Brown" Motor scooter!
"Shaun of the Dead" Peas and rice!
"Breakfast Club" Eat my socks!
"Major League" Up your bucket!
"Die Hard" Yippie Kai-Yay Mr. Falcon!