Son of a witch! According to reports, the Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work Saturday's England-United States World Cup match have been studying English-language obscenities, the better to issue potential penalties if players use abusive or offensive language.
As such, I hope South Africa has basic cable.
Indeed, there's only one way for the members of Team USA and their English counterparts to avoid costly yellow and red cards: watch lots of edited-for-television movies, where foul words are replaced by absurd -- but clean! -- alternatives. For example, "Snakes on a Plane," in which Samuel L. Jackson utters the immortal dubbed catch phrase "I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!"
Nonsensical? Without doubt. (Really: everyone knows snakes fight mongooses, not monkeys). But also non-offensive, the kind of bull-spit that will keep you on the pitch. Rooney and Donovan, take notes.
Herein, a few more of Page 2's favorite movie-ese profanities:
|"Hot Fuzz"||Funk you!|
|"Repo Man"||Mellon farmer!|
|"Do the Right Thing"||Mickey-Fickey!|
|"Jackie Brown"||Motor scooter!|
|"Shaun of the Dead"||Peas and rice!|
|"Breakfast Club"||Eat my socks!|
|"Major League"||Up your bucket!|
|"Die Hard"||Yippie Kai-Yay Mr. Falcon!|