Macho Showdown: Putin vs. The Dos Equis Guy

Fri, Aug 27
12:25
PM ET
Vladimir PutinAP Photo/ RIA Novosti, Alexei DruzhiniVladimir Putin puts his hat in the ring with the Most Interesting Man in the World.

One fishes bare-chested in Siberia and attaches satellite-tracking collars to tranquilized polar bears. The other is Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man in the World."

Yep, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is up to his rough, tumble and unintentionally self-parodying manly-man outdoor sportsman photo op tricks again, this time firing darts from a crossbow at a gray whale off Russia's far Eastern coast. And that, in turn, begs the question: neither one of these guys can out-jetski Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov, and they can't beat Kim Jong-Il in golf, but otherwise, quien es mas macho? Page 2 presents the Tale of the Tape.

Attitude Toward Marine Life
Putin: More crossbow!
Dos Equis: Charitable, because sharks have a week dedicated to him.
Advantage: Dos Equis. What, Russia doesn't have harpoons?

Conflict Resolution Strategy
Putin: Always take on opponents you can defeat.
Dos Equis: Accept thanks of people you have just punched in the face.
Advantage: Dos Equis. Also a good strategy for owning a pro sports team.

Day Job
Putin: Pretending not to rule Russia.
Dos Equis: Pretending to be vaguely Hispanic.
Advantage: Dos Equis. Putin isn't fooling anyone.

Geopolitical Rivals
Putin: The United States, China, annoying breakaway republics touting "freedom" and stuff.
Dos Equis: The Old Spice Be a Man, Man Dude.
Advantage: Dos Equis. Old Spice Dude is ganking his mojo!

Party Affiliation
Putin: The one that's in charge. Does it matter what it's called?
Dos Equis: The after party.
Advantage: Dos Equis. After party always the one you want to be at.

Catchphrase-to-English Translation
Putin: "Living in general is dangerous" -- But especially if you don't sell your oil pipeline to my oligarch friends.
Dos Equis: "Stay thirsty, my friends" -- Or else I'm back to using "I'm Wolf Blitzer" as a pickup line.
Advantage: Dos Equis. Major world religions have been founded on less.

Final score: Dos Equis swamps Putin, 6-0. And unless the Russian ruler starts appearing in public with a model on each arm and/or launches his own Goldeneye satellite, that's not gonna change.