There's nothing lamer than golf trash talk

Wed, Sep 29
1:34
PM ET
Rory McIlroyRoss Kinnaird/Getty ImagesCan't wait to see Tiger and Rory get their smack talk on over afternoon tea.

Start with a caveat: I'm not a golf guy. I don't play. I've never paired pleated khakis with an SEC school visor. I'm utterly incapable of considering Tiger Woods to be a driver-wielding mash-up of Lee Majors, Secretariat and Shiva the God of Death, to be gazed upon with awe and despair. I can't even watch the sport on television -- well, unless I'm in the mood to nap. In short, I have an outsider's perspective, and I think that's relevant when I state the following.

Golf trash talk is really, really, lame.

Like, borderline totally pathetic.

Take the upcoming Ryder Cup. Rory McIlroy recently stated that he "would love to face" slumping Woods and that, unless Woods' game improves rapidly, his European teammates probably feel the same. Asked to respond, Woods said -- and I quote in full -- "Me, too."

Oh, snaps!

It is so on!

Seriously? That's it? That's all it takes to send the golf world into a he-said/he-said, white glove face-slapping, 10-paces-and-draw tizzy? Two guys … stating the obvious?

Oy.

Remember the only worthwhile scene in "Crocodile Dundee"? The moment when Paul Hogan is confronted by a switchblade-wielding mugger on furlough from a Michael Jackson video shoot and Hogan responds by whipping out a giant, wild-dingo-disemboweling bush blade and saying "This is a knife"?

Compared to other sports, golf is the mugger.

Trash talk is Muhammad Ali stating that Joe Frazier was "so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife." Trash talk is Hollywood Henderson proclaiming that Terry Bradshaw couldn't spell "cat" if you "spotted him the 'C' and the 'A.'" Trash talk is Pete Sampras being asked about the difference between himself and rival Patrick Rafter and responding "about 10 Grand Slams." Trash talk is Joey Porter using a gay slur to describe Kellen Winslow, then noting in a heartfelt apology that "I didn't mean to offend nobody but Kellen Winslow."

Trash talk is not McIlroy-Woods. In fact, if this truly qualifies as a prime cut of USDA-approved golf smack, the sport suffers from the soft bigotry of low expectations, akin to a man who considers fast food fine dining because his usual meal is dog food.

On Wednesday, Phil Mickelson downplayed the entire affair, stating that it was "not any type of controversy or saga." I couldn't agree more. Then again, I'm more a fan of trash-talking than of golf.