Dear Washington City Paper,
On behalf of my client, I am requesting a public apology, a printed retraction and the immediate dismissal of your illustration staff following the publication of defamatory, anti-Satanic imagery on the cover of your publication.
Specifically, I am referring to the article "The Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which featured a hand-drawn sketch of my client altered with a photograph of Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins. My client finds your cover image to be extremely insulting, offensive and disturbing.
Admittedly, my client is well known for wearing Prada, regrettable cinematic partnerships with Keanu Reeves and M. Night What's-His-Name, wolf-like lonely screaming in the night, suctioning dirt and dust in hard-to-reach-places, a memorable cinematic partnership with Elizabeth Hurley, vigorous activity in the golden fiddle/soul exchange market and laying traps for troubadours before they reach Bombay. These are matters of public record; they are fair game for comment and criticism.
That said, my client has not played racquetball with Vinny Cerrato, presided over an organization that has sued grandmothers and the mentally ill for being unable to pay for their season tickets, signed off on the Adam Archuleta and Brandon Lloyd acquisitions, given a position of nominal authority to Vinny Cerrato, hung out in public with Tom Cruise, hired and fired Steve Spurrier and Jim Zorn, charged admission to training camp, overseen a team that has made the playoffs three times in 12 seasons or given a radio show to Vinny Cerrato.
Moreover, my client has never alleged injurious ethnic/cultural insensitivity in a lawsuit while simultaneously owning a team called "Redskins." As such, my client only can interpret your cover story as a deliberate attempt to smear his personal and business reputation through malicious association. On his behalf, I again demand that you carry out the above remedies posthaste.
Otherwise, you will leave my client with no option but to pursue legal recourse.
P.S. -- Yes, I work for him now. Stuff happens.