On behalf of all right-thinking Americans -- nay, right-thinking citizens of the world -- Page 2 proudly issues the following proclamation.
Happy John Lott Day!
No, we're not talking about John Locke. Nor are we talking about Ronnie Lott. We mean John Lott: Arizona Cardinals strength coach, motivator extraordinaire, the guy who stands over the bench press at the ongoing NFL Draft combine. Lott is a living, breathing supernova of uncontainable awesomeness, a man who could lead America out of our financial and spiritual malaise if only we would let him, a communication genius who cuts through the white noise and jibber-jabber of modern life to remind us of an essential truth.
C'mon Bevo, one more, let's go, HUHHH!
If you've ever watched a live broadcast of the combine -- and if you haven't, how did you end up on ESPN.com? -- then you know Lott's guiding philosophy. One more rep. Not tomorrow, not someday, but right now. No retreat. No surrender. No easy way out. (Definitely no shortcuts home). Bang it out, hoss! To major muscle failure ... and beyond. It's the worldview that made this country great, a mindset that put men on the moon and Mamula into the first round. Forget "The Secret," Tony Robbins, whatever book Rick Pitino is hawking these days. Lott has the formula for success, and it's simple:
1. Pain now, gain later;
2. We are capable of greater things than we realize;
Indeed, all you need is willpower. Oh, and Lott, grunting encouragement. Because that's the other thing Lott teaches us: we can't do it alone. We can do it together. One lift and one spot at a time. If the NFL locks out -- leaving Lott out of a job -- then perhaps he can become President. Or U.N. Secretary General. Or replace "The Biggest Loser" with "Fat Combine." Or even get Charlie Sheen sober.
We believe. Happy John Lott Day. Now, please excuse us while we strap our wrists. HUHHH!