Spoof: The Girl with the Vancouver Canucks Tattoo

Tue, Dec 20
3:05
PM ET
Vancouver CanucksJeff Vinnick/Getty Images

Lisbeth Salander exited the Kvarnen bar onto Tjarhovsgatan, started up her Yamaha WR250X motorcycle, sped down Gotgatan to Soder Malarstrand and raced at a recklessly high speed to Kungens Kurva. She parked her bike and entered the IKEA. Instantly her permanent bad mood became even worse. She knew she should have waited until after the Vancouver Canucks game but Salander always forgot how long shopping took at IKEA.Why does IKEA make you wind through the entire damn store when all you want is a simple microwave oven? It was maddening. She typed a reminder on her Apple iPad 2 to hack into the CEO's personal computer and drain the life savings from his bank account.

He'll be lucky I don't set him on fire as well if I miss the puck drop because I had to walk past endless displays of POANG armchairs, HEMNES lighting fixtures and packages of bland meatballs.

Girl with Dragon Tattoo
Norstedts FörlagThis book has inspired us to craft our own story.

Her bad mood had worsened considerably two aggravating hours later when she finally arrived back at her 21-room apartment on the fashionable Sodermalm street of Fiskargatan. She plugged in the new microwave, popped in a Billy's Pizza from 7-11 and fired up her MacBook Pro with the quad-core processing to watch the Canucks game. Thanks to an off-shore computer embezzlement, Salander was a millionaire several times over but preferred to illegally access the live NHL feed for free on her computer. She cursed IKEA again when she saw the game had already started and the Canucks were trailing the Minnesota Wild 1-0.

She loved the Canucks. Salander had the team's logo of a fearsome orca tattooed over her shoulder, its teeth almost ripping into the dragon tattooed across the opposite shoulder. She often thought the Canucks were the only thing that offered her pleasure in what had been a difficult, frequently tormented life.

Salander had grown up with an abusive father who regularly beat her mother, been unjustly institutionalized as a teenager, raped by her guardian, robbed and assaulted in a subway, shot in the head and buried alive by her monstrous father and her giant, evil half-brother who was unable to feel pain, and tried for a triple murder. But by far the worst thing she had ever endured was Vancouver's Stanley Cup loss to the Boston Bruins the previous spring despite leading the series 3-2. How do you give up eight goals in a Stanley Cup game!

It had been even easier for the Bruins to get past goalie Roberto Luongo than it was for Salander to slip past an international corporation's computer firewalls. She considered whether it would be better to hack into Luongo's computer, leave behind incriminating images of child pornography and alert the police, or simply hit him in the head with an ax.

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