The New York Mets are seeking investors to pay $20 million for minority, noncontrolling interests in the team.
By making such a purchase, investors will be entitled to business cards which read "owner," a parking space at Citi Field, the opportunity to throw out a ceremonial first pitch and access to the team's popular mascot, Mr. Met.
Page 2 speculates on exactly what kind of access to Mr. Met new owners will be able to enjoy ...
- Ten (10) late-night phone calls. Mr. Met will listen patiently to your frustrations concerning your corporation/your wife/the recent performance of the New York Mets.
- Eight (8) Freudian therapy sessions. If analysis is not completed within the allotted time, additional sessions are available for a fee.
- Five (5) epiphanies, where Mr. Met stares silently at you for as long as fifteen (15) minutes, as you realize something life-altering that you knew, deep inside, all along.
- Three (3) trips with Mr. Met to a T-shirt gun firing range. (Insurance available for an extra fee, from same company that insured Mo Vaughn's contract!)
- One (1) karaoke session where Mr. Met dances along, enthusiastically, as you rap "Get Metsmerized."
... and what perks will clearly NOT be available.
- Orchestra seats to Mr. Met's two-man, off-Broadway show with Bill Irwin, "Fool Met."
- The ability to tell people, "Mr. Met is my best friend." Mr. Met is not your friend. This is business.
- The erroneously reported private Mr. Met Lap Dances. Mr. Met's new motto is not "You can't touch him, but he can touch you."
- The ability to bash Mr. Met's head, piñata-style, until candy pours out. Although, this perk is available for an additional cost.
- Any privileges whatsoever with Lady Met.