Hulk Hogan's mustache is on its death bed, according to TMZ. The iconic handlebar was born in the mid-'70s and now faces death, with Hogan saying he will shave it off to audition for movie roles.
Not only is this a tragedy of a tickler's life cut short, but it's a truly tragic decision on Hogan's part. His career will die along with his mustache. Because once facial hair becomes an identifiable part of an athlete, he must keep it forever. It is the way an athlete's fans identify him and relate to him after the physical skills are gone. It is how mustachioed athletes are spotted at airports and memorabilia shows. It keeps them relevant. Famous. It keeps the endorsement offers coming. In Hogan's case, for all we know, he could be the modern day Samson and his impressive 58-year-old muscles could immediately shrivel upon the hair's removal.
Just imagine if some of our other iconic, mustachioed athletes followed Hogan's lead and shed the lip fur. The results would be almost as terrifying as the awful Photoshop skills that went into the following examples. See here. And here. Here. And here. OK, that last one is admittedly a vast improvement, and the subject doesn't look nearly as desperate for attention. But you get my point. Each would be unrecognizable, and their fame would be gone.
We can still save Hogan's mustache. Write or call your Congressman and demand that Hogan's handlebar mustache be declared a national treasure. We can't let Joe Flacco become America's premier Fu-Manchu'd athlete. America may never recover.