LeBron James is just too tough to get concussions

Mon, Mar 26
3:30
PM ET
LeBron JamesMike Ehrmann/Getty ImagesTry as you might, you simply cannot concuss LeBron James. Page 2 shares insight into why that is.

Hyper-masculine testosterone machine LeBron James is a really powerful man. Need evidence? Just look at his muscles. Look at all the money he has earned by skillfully manipulating a leather sphere. Look at how menacingly he chews on his very own special Bubbalicious bubble gum.

The dude is a monster.

But nothing is more telling of his unparalleled machismo than his inability to get a concussion. He's just too darn tough, the sometimes Muppet recently explained. And we totally believe him.

Check out how hard he looks sporting a purple dress blouse and a rugged tool purse. Purple is the Japanese color of death. In American military symbolism, it represents those who have been wounded in battle. LeBron gets battle boo-boos all the time, BUT HE KEEPS ON BALLIN'.

Some would argue that LeBron lost some of his cred when he cried after losing to sissy-haired Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavs last year in the Finals. But Page 2 has it on good word that these ocular secretions were a direct result of his sweat glands being overloaded with competitive intensity, requiring his tear ducts to lend a hand in relieving his primal moisture. It's simple biology.

Some would also charge that LeBron is prone to hissy fits. When things don't go his way, he whines to the referees until he's given his metaphorical binky. But, no. He's just a man who, if not given authority, will take authority. You'll respect him, simple as that.

Or else he'll throw pixie dust on you.

At the end of the day, haters can hate on him all they want, whether for deserting Cleveland or sucking in clutch situations or for being terrible on "The Simpsons. But you gotta respect him for being tough. And I'm talking watch ambassador tough.

So kneel before the throne, wusses.