Montgomery Burns protege/basketball star Dwyane Wade said on Tuesday that he wants a payday for playing in the Olympics this summer, saying, ""It's a lot of things you do for the Olympics -- a lot of jerseys you sell." Though the jerseys are made by Nike, who already shells him $12 million a year as a brand representative, he would like some additional money on top of that. Also not sufficient is the $25,000 he'd receive for taking home gold, which I suppose is fair considering the Argentineans are a serious threat to snatch that from him a la 2004.
But to paraphrase Latrell Sprewell, he's got a family to feed, so we think it's only fair that Flash get some extra pocket money for the inconvenience of representing our proud nation on the global stage.
In a press statement Thursday, Wade said, "I do not want to be paid to go to the Olympics." Once he's there, however, payments may be delivered via direct deposit or wheelbarrow.
We're willing to pony up a little bit of Page 2's modest editorial budget to help him get what he's owed, just as long as he completes a few Olympic challenges for our twisted amusement.
• For $16.38: Wear the same pantsuit as the Queen at the opening ceremony.
• For $5.20: Beat a male gymnast in a pull-up contest.
• For $33.02: Finish a Greco-Roman Boilermaker* without gagging (*drop a shot of Baileys and Rulon Gardner's detached frostbite toe into a pint of stout and chug).
• For £9.39: Use mental math to convert $15 into pounds.
• For $78.83: Put your hand on Marta Karolyi's thigh while Bela is watching.
• For $40.31: Corner Bob Costas and ask him what we've all been wondering: Is he Benjamin Buttoning into a Cabbage Patch Kid?
• For $21.41: Frogger your way through a fencing bout wearing only a blindfold and a rain poncho.
For $.25: Win a gold, be dignified about it, and just be thankful you're not Antoine Walker.