January 29, 2003
Monte Kiffin:
The Bucs' D loves him, and now the 49ers may love him, too -- as a head coach. And if you caught his act at the Bucs' victory parade, you know the only thing he's missing is rhythm.
The Lead Item
Two Words For You:

Can't we all just get along? Last night, Jazz coach Jerry Sloan was ejected for pushing a ref, one night after Ron Artest's widely criticized antics against the Heat. Because it's a coach assaulting an official, it's a lot worse than this season's typical player-on-player (or player-on-coach) posturing; there is no excuse for team management to have a physical altercation with a league ref.

He Needs a T.O.
Remember, Sloan is a repeat offender, who served a one-game suspension in 1993 for pushing an official. If Rasheed Wallace was given a seven-game suspension for intimidating a ref after a game, Sloan should be benched for at least that long, if not the entire month of February. (Isn't it interesting how Sloan has always been complimented as "intense," while Artest is marginalized as "crazy?")

All-Star Anger
The NBA's marketing machine should capitalize on this season's hot trend and channel the widespread angst into a couple new All-Star Weekend events: "3-on-3 Duke-It-Out" ... "Body-Slam Dunk Contest" ... "Three-Point Chew-Out" ... "Rookie Beat-Down" ... and, because kids need role models, a community-service component: "Scream to Achieve."

All-Star Snubs
On today's edition of "Snubs": Jerry K. is hopping mad about Jalen being left out of the party ... Jerry S. is disappointed, but takes yet another backseat to teammate Michael J. ...

Karl is resigned (but maybe he should have taken a cue from Michael and said this is his last year, since "sympathy votes" are in) ...

Allan would rather be in the playoffs anyway ...

Mike F. can't really complain, seeing how his playmates Dirk and Steve both made it ... And Brad is just happy to be here!

1. When Coaches Attack
2. Ron Artest's Fear Factor
3. American 'Sheed-ol
1. The Bachelor (MJ's marriage woes)
2. Jerry Krause: "Will you accept this Rose?"
3. Survivor: Surprise at NBDL-to-NBA success stories
State of the 'Boys
"I can't go on 'might do,'" Bill Parcells said Tuesday at his first press conference as Cowboys head coach. "Nobody gets a free pass." That's an offseason heads-up to all Dallas players that roster spots might be a little harder to come by this year, not that Chad Hutchinson or Quincy Carter have 'might-do' potential. But Parcells allowed for one "Jerry do," leaving the decision about Emmitt Smith's future with the team to owner Jerry Jones. Better to worry about getting his assistant coaches used to his systems than to touch that one.

Kit 'Cats
If Arizona basketball players weren't involved in violating a vending machine at a Kansas hotel last weekend for a little cash-and-carry (or is that "cash-and-candy"), then why do the cops and hotel manager say a Wildcats assistant reimbursed the hotel? The bigger question: Can he expense that?

Candy RPI:
Arizona might be No. 1 in the latest hoops poll, but what are the top 5 vending-machine candies? 5) Starburst; 4) Peppermint Patties; 3) Snickers; 2) Skittles; 1) Twix. Vote in the Big Q's!

Bucs D Nickname
Purple People Eaters. Orange Crush. Steel Curtain. Classic nicknames for classic defenses. The Bucs D needs a nickname, and it sure can't be "The Swashbucklers," which was the official name of the Bucs' cheerleaders through 1999.

A couple hundred Quickie readers sent in suggestions, falling into a couple of general categories. Here is a sample: "Red" prefixes" (Red Menace, Red Scare, Red Sea, Red Swarm, Red Tide); "Pirate-ish" (Keelhaulers, Treasure-Hunters); "Not Swashbucklers!" (Smashbucklers, Squashbucklers); "Kiffin Tributes" (The Full Monte, Monte's Mateys); "Derivative" (Pewter People Eaters ... how about some originality, people!); "Other" (Buc-Stoppers, Mouth of the South); and my personal favorites, from several of you: "The Armada."

Marty Mornhinweg:
Ex-Lions coach "shocked" at dismissal. "There was no explanation," he said. He also said of his take-wind-over-ball OT decision: "I'd do that again." That explains it.
Sloan, snubs & Snickers
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IN: NBA rumors
NBA: All-Star snubs

If Matt Millen couldn't say that the Lions' hiring process isn't a done deal for Mariucci, not only was Dennis Green right to decline an interview, but the league should deliver sanctions ...

Memo to Vince Carter: Sit out the All-Star Game. MJ then starts, and Jalen is named a reserve. Stack and Rip get spots in celebrity 3-on-3 festivities ...

College sports' Title IX complexities being debated this week make the BCS system seem clear-cut ...

The Barret Robbins saga begs a larger question about a team's responsibility to reveal players' medical situations to teammates and the media ...

And another thing: It would be nice to see more Raiders back-pedaling to support him ...

Is tonight the night that Trista will finally see through Russ' facade and dump him? ...

Have you told your friends and co-workers about The Quickie? ...

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