Let's hear some bracket chatter
Dear America: How are your brackets doing? People want to know!
If there is one thing we can take away from the first full day of the NCAA tournament, it's not the dearth of upsets -- it's that people are being too stingy with status updates on their brackets. Come on! Out with it!
Social media -- Twitter and Facebook are perfect for letting everyone know how you're doing. But don't just tell us once or twice throughout the day. We want to hear an update at least once or twice per game. Stuff like: "Oh, man. Come on, UConn! Pick it up. You're killing my bracket!" Or: "I knew VCU would win! My bracket is looking tight!" Or: "Good thing I didn't have Wichita State going far in my bracket." The more the better!
Small talk -- Tired of talking about the weather, "Mondays," "hump day," how you "gotta love Fridays" or "plans for the weekend?" Now you can fill the awkward silences with acquaintances by talking brackets! My plan for the weekend? Hoping my bracket doesn't get busted, of course!
Completely unrelated conversations -- Sometimes people don't know how to ask you about how your bracket is doing, so they'll talk about personal issues or school or work problems. You can save them and get the conversation back on its natural course with a smooth segue: "Sorry to hear that your grandmother died. How are you doing in your bracket? I pretty much nailed the East Region so far. I'm looking pretty good. All of my Final Four picks are alive."
Politics -- President Obama's bracket is the perfect cover for you to make large, sweeping political statements off the NCAA tournament. Are you a right-winger? Go with: "All the problems we have, yet he finds time to fill out a bracket? Ridiculous." Left-winger? Then you'll want to use this: "It really shows how much of a normal person he is that he does a bracket. He's got my vote." Truly non-partisan? Just talk extensively about how your bracket compares to his.
Family -- Is a co-worker showing you pictures of her kids or of her latest vacation? Kind of boring. Show her something really worth boasting about by showing her your bracket!
Relationships -- Have your eye on that special someone? You can wow her by telling her about your correct bracket picks. She'll think you're so smart and cool! Or show her your honest, vulnerable side by telling her about the ones you missed. Either way, no girl at any bar in America can resist this pickup line: "Hey, there. Looking for someone who's in the top 83 percent in NCAA tournament brackets on ESPN.com? Well, it's your lucky day."
No matter the situation, no matter the form of communication, you need tell the world how your bracket is doing. You simply have no idea how much we all want to know.
Now get to it. In the two minutes it took you to read this, you missed 12 perfect bracket update opportunities. Plus, there are probably some people who haven't heard yet how your fantasy football team got totally screwed in Week 13. It's an amazing story.