Scattered ideas from the sports world
Editor's note: Art Garfamudis originally wrote for Page 2 in 2008, before he retired to dedicate himself to preparing his safe house for any number of civilization-threatening crises. The depletion of his potable water, dried food and ammunition have lured him out of retirement to again present his unique perspective on the sports world.
I'm gonna level with you: I'm on a new medication this week, and I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything. Since lack of focus is the least of this drug's many side effects (the worst are psychotic episodes and gangrenous lesions), I actually feel kind of grateful this is as bad as it's going to get.
Still, though, it means I can't wrap my head around a topic and follow it through for an entire column. Instead, I found myself jumping around to various thoughts on things in various sports. This is the result.
Who should coach the Saints in Sean Payton's absence?
Well, I know this much: It shouldn't be Bill Parcells. In fact, it shouldn't be anybody who's had what you'd call success in the NFL. How is it punishing the franchise properly if they get to pick their own coach? I think Payton should be made to choose from a group of recent former head coaches who are near the bottom in all-time career winning percentage. That would be these guys:
• Cam Cameron: 1-15 (.063)
• Chris Palmer: 5-27 (.156)
• Marty Mornhinweg: 5-27 (.156)
• Steve Spagnuolo: 10-38 (.208)
• Rod Marinelli: 10-38 (.208)
• David Shula: 19-52 (.268)
Yeah, I know, some of these guys were hampered by bad ownership and whether or not they're truly bad coaches might not be shown by their records. Still, there they are, down at the extreme end of the all-time list along with Bert Bell (no wonder he gave up coaching and became the NFL's first commissioner). Who knows, maybe one of these guys would thrive in New Orleans with decent players. But the fact remains: Payton's temp shouldn't be a guy who's won a Super Bowl or even made the playoffs.
Who should own the Dodgers?
I don't mean to be overly humble over here, but who am I to say? I don't have the credentials to choose -- and you know what? Neither do the people who run Major League Baseball. Look at what they came up with last time they were allowed to pick. Yeah, they blew it. So why did they get another shot at it? Here's what should have happened: An independent committee with no ties to MLB should have reviewed the candidates and made the selection. Sorry MLB, you tanked it last time so, for you, there shouldn't have been a next time.
What about the news that Dennis Rodman is broke?
I'm never surprised to learn that a former athlete is experiencing financial troubles. After all, money is a foul siren singing us all onto the rocks. Because of this, it should be the function of players' unions to protect their rank and file from themselves. I have long advocated that professional athletes have half their salaries put away for divvying out later in life. That way, somebody like Mr. Rodman would have money still coming to him. Yeah, it violates the laws of free will and all that, but look at the alternative.
How about all four No. 1 seeds making the Final Four in the women's NCAA basketball tournament?
When this happens, it makes you feel like the first four rounds were moot and anytime you spent watching them was for naught. Of course, it's much more likely to occur with the women than the men. In this century, 30 of the 48 women's Final Four participants have been number ones, but only 18 of the 48 men's teams have been. The average seeding of a women's Final Four team is 1.75. For the men, it's 2.69. Makes you wonder why they bother with the first two rounds of the women's tournament at all since no team below a fourth seed has made it to the Final Four since 2004. Might as well just invite 16 teams and be done with it.
My fantasy baseball team? Thanks for asking.
This year I did something different. I joined a fantasy league run by a group of people who believe that life -- and by extension, baseball -- is completely random. So, according to the rules of the league, we weren't allowed to draft the players we wanted. Instead, they were assigned to us by use of a random number generator. During the draft, I felt powerless as my roster filled up with guys I didn't want. As the rounds went by, I got more and more depressed. Now I feel like I have no control over anything. Yup, just like real life.
Why didn't I win the Mega Millions $363 million jackpot?
It's pretty simple: I don't deserve it because I'm a bad person. That's the only possible explanation.
Artemis Arthur Garfamudis originally studied typing at the Miss DuPrix School of Business on Route 22 in North Plainfield, N.J. He has since taken several refresher typing courses. It is with great pride that he types all his own columns.
Follow Art Garfamudis on Twitter @artgarfamudis ... if you dare.