Miami Heat pique Junk Mail's interest
Luke from Los Angeles writes, "Remember all that mess you said about Bynum and his 3-point shooting? And how he was immature for his reaction to Pau Gasol getting posterized? Bynum's stat line vs. the Spurs on Wednesday night: 16 points, 30 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocks. How do you like them apples?"
That was truly a phenomenal effort by Lakers center Andrew Bynum. He silenced all of his critics with his performance vs. San Antonio ... up until the final seconds when Bynum called for the ball to shoot a 3-pointer, didn't receive the pass, then chased around Lakers guard Steve Blake and tried to steal the ball from him while Blake ran out the clock.
But I was wrong. A desire to shoot 3-pointers and overall immaturity -- those aren't problems for Bynum at all!
Let's get to the rest of the nonsense in this week's Junk Mail.
On Thursday you tweeted: "Make sure you use up all of your LeBron 'no rings' jokes by June." Then they lost. Do you stand by your prediction?
Of course, but I meant June ... 2015.
LeBron James and the Miami Heat lost to the Chicago Bulls after scoring TWO points in overtime. Not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven ... two. With Miami's loss last night, and LeBron's ineffectiveness down the stretch, there's no way James wins any championships, right?
You're right. With Miami's loss to Chicago on Thursday night, the Heat were eliminated from title contention for the remainder of LeBron's career.
C.J. Watson's +/- was +38 points on Thursday night vs. Miami. Did you hear the slight MVP chant for him vs. the Heat?
The MVP chant is the equivalent of a participation trophy these days. Everyone gets one.
On multiple occasions this season, you've tweeted that "Blake Griffin is the Vlade Divac of flopping" and also "Blake Griffin can do three things: 1) Dunking. 2) Rebounding. 3) Flopping." I know most of your tweets are super sarcastic, so as a Clippers fan, I'm not offended yet. Do you want to retract those tweets?
--Francisco, Sacramento, Calif.
Yes, in hindsight, I completely botched the organization of Griffin's attributes. I apologize.
1) Flopping. 2) Dunking. 3) Rebounding.
My relationship might be reaching its breaking point. Anna and I have been together for six years. It's a pretty cool little relationship we have going on. She's beautiful, smart, funny, basically perfect. We share a lot of the same interests: sports, movies, etc. Except I'm interested in LARPing [live action roleplaying] and I want her to come along. She refuses. I was ready to propose to her, but now I'm leaning more toward breaking up. If she doesn't understand the significance of LARPing, then I could do better. What do I do?
--Chad, Duluth, Minn.
You need to marry her before she figures out what LARPing is and you wind up all alone.
At the beginning of the NBA season, the Portland Trail Blazers were 7-2. You said that the Blazers could be the best team in the West. I agreed with you. In Blazers fashion, they've collapsed. Were there warning signs?
--DJ, Corvallis, Ore.
Yes. Instead of carrying replica jerseys in the fan shop, the Blazers began selling replica knee braces.
I'm working on creating the ultimate sports room in my office. I'm thinking of hanging a ton of TVs, autographs, pictures, etc. Do you have any advice?
--Randy, Annandale, Va.
Just remember, if you search for the term "How to find a stud," Google can interpret this query in two very different ways. You've been warned.
My boyfriend is amazing. He does everything for me, like, everything. He totally takes care of me. I've never been so in love with someone. I think he could be the one. But he has a bad habit of checking out other girls. He says it's by accident since he was single for so long, and he promised he'd eventually stop doing it. It's really his only flaw. In your opinion, do you think he's a good catch?
--Roxie, Norman, Okla.
He sounds like a great catch ... and release.
My Saints are in shambles. Bill Parcells backed out of becoming our interim coach, and now we're stuck with Joe Vitt. I hope the players don't give up on this season without Sean Payton. What do you think New Orleans should do to keep its players focused?
--Sal, Ocean City, N.J.
Well, it seems like the Saints are going to need a little extra motivation ... incentives ... how about a bounty system?!
Charles Barkley thinks "it's a joke" that Mavericks forward Lamar Odom will still be paid by Dallas to do nothing for the remainder of the season. What are your thoughts?
--Loren, Tacoma, Wash.
Getting paid to do nothing is a rite of passage with the Kardashians.
All of this Internet slang, I just can't keep up. My Twitter timeline sometimes makes no sense to me. You're young. Do you get tired of it?
I may be young, but I'm with you. Like the word "cray" -- did we really need to lose the "z" in crazy? And "Snooki" -- did we really need a code word for annoying?
Next season's top NCAA basketball players have some awfully unique names. Nerlens Noel? Shabazz Muhammad?
--John, Crestview, Fla.
Muhammad is the most common name on Earth!
After a couple poor seasons, along with Sports Illustrated's report on UCLA coach Ben Howland losing control of the program, it seems like the Bruins are alive again after signing Shabazz Muhammad. How do you think fans reacted to Muhammad's decision? Is this cause for excitement?
--Rico, San Diego
For a storied program like UCLA, signing a top-tier recruit is business as usual -- no reason to go nuts or anything.
Rumor has it "Sarah Phillips" isn't a real person and this column is being produced by a ghost writer. Is this true?
--Anonymous senders, Parts unknown
I'm flattered to join the ranks of Barack Obama, Elvis Presley, Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and Tupac Shakur as the subject of a great American conspiracy theory! (I would have added Biggie Smalls to the list, but I'm westside 'til I die.)
In any event, I'm either an alien life form brought to Earth to keep track of Jose Canseco, or I'm a woman named Sarah Phillips who writes sports-related columns and blogs. You decide.
In the meantime ... taaake meee tooo yooour leeeadeeer.