James Harrison's guide to hating people
In 1936, Dale Carnegie published "How to Win Friends and Influence People." The book went on to sell more than 15 million copies worldwide and cemented Carnegie's status as a self-help guru.
"How to Win Friends" is worth a look if you want some tips on interpersonal communication for personal and business relationships. But what if you don't care about interpersonal communication? What if you don't give a crap what anyone says? In fact, what if your true joy in life is hitting people in the mouth as hard as you can?
Then you might want to read James Harrison's "How to Lose Friends and Intimidate People." Here are some brief selections from the book:
Chapter 1 -- Dale Carnegie is a Moron
When I was in school at Kent State, I remember I was supposed to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I opened the book, saw the first chapter was titled "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive" and knew right away that Dale Carnegie was a moron.
Now, honey is delicious. I'm not going to argue that. But non-morons gather honey at the supermarket. So bees are useless. In fact, when I see a beehive, I make a point of kicking it over. Then I yell at the bees. "Look at you, stupid bees! I destroyed your home! What are you going to do about it? I'm 10,000 times your size!" Then, when they start stinging me, I shoot at them. My FN Five-Seven pistol will mess a bee up good.
Chapter 6 -- Tell Your Boss He's an #$%*&^!
No matter who are you, there's someone with more power above you. Even the president has to answer to someone: the voters.
But just because someone was placed above you doesn't mean that: a) You put them there; or that b) You want them there; or that c) ... I don't remember what C was. %#$* you.
And even if you do, for some reason, like and respect the person in charge, you have to bring them down a few pegs from time to time or they'll get too cocky.
There are many different ways to go with this. You could walk into your boss' office and tell him he's a "crook." Or send an office-wide email, making sure to CC him, in which you refer to him as a "devil." Both of those will get his attention. In most cases you will subsequently be fired. So what. After he fires you, just launch yourself into his head, leaving him concussed. He won't remember what you said. In fact, he might even give you a raise after he wakes up and finds out that you took him to the hospital. But then you have to live with the fact that you helped the devil. $#%^ that.
So that's one approach. But calling someone names can seem weak. I think it's better to make more action-oriented statements. Try this. Gather everyone in the office together and announce: "If that man [point to your boss] was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn't do it. I hate him and will never respect him." Then just glare at everyone. After that? I haven't really thought it through beyond that. So just glare some more.
Now, if your boss happened to catch on fire (completely not by your hands, of course, if the authorities are reading this book!), would you really not piss him out? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you piss him out. Maybe you let him burn. Maybe you piss out certain parts of his body and leave the more painful parts, the ones full of nerves -- the feet, the hands, the face, the genitals -- to burn. I mean, that approach would really focus the pain. But I'll leave it up to you. I don't have all the answers. I'm just a thinker.
Back to the president for a minute. Did you know there was once a President Harrison? In fact, there were two. But they sucked. And you should see how they dressed. Fancy suits with vests. Big collars. They looked girlier than Tom Brady and did great damage to the Harrison name. I think it's time for a third President Harrison. Here's my campaign slogan: "Vote for James Harrison Or I'll $#@^ You Up."
I'm against gun control and I support huge tax increases for executives because those guys are crooks. That's it. That's my platform. Vote for me or I'll $#@^ you up.
Chapter 9 -- Keep Your Friends Close So You Can Easily Make Them Your Enemies
If you follow my advice and attack everyone in power, some people will rally around you. $#&^ that. Only you got you where you are today. You don't need their help, you don't need their understanding and you don't need their sympathy.
When the Steelers lost Super Bowl XLV to the Packers, I let it be known that Rashard Mendenhall was a fumble machine and that Ben Roethlisberger threw a stupid interception in our own end. I could call them out because I didn't fumble in the game or throw an interception, whereas they did not have any tackles in the game and I had one.
Try this out in your own life. After you tell the office that you wouldn't piss on your boss' burning body, your secretary might stop by to see if you need anything. Tell her she looks fat in her dress.
Chapter 13 -- Burn Bridges That Were Never Even Built
It's one thing to turn against your boss and your fellow employees, but if you really don't give a crap about anything, you'll pick fights with complete strangers, too. For example, Brian Cushing never once played against the Steelers when I said he was "juiced out of his mind."
Here's what you should do: Pull out your phone book and pick a number at random. Call the number and when the person picks up, say: "You don't know me, but everyone hates you. I thought you should know." And then hang up. That will mess up the person's psyche big time. And you'll feel great.
Chapter 15 -- Roger Goodell is Terrible at His Job
I don't want this fact to be lost in all the other stuff I say: Roger Goodell is terrible at his job. I think we can all agree on this. If I come off too strong in some areas for your liking, fine. But Roger Goodell is terrible at his job. I'm not sure how you can use this information in your life, but let it be known again: Roger Goodell is terrible at his job.
This is the whole chapter.
Chapter 20 -- Self-Help Books are for Losers
You bought a self-help book? Be a man and live your own life, loser. You're so #$%*!@ weak. Well, too late now. This is the last chapter of the book. You've read the whole thing and it's all bent up and worn. You can't take the book back to the store now. I have your money. You moron.
DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain-book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.