By Tim Keown
Page 2 columnist

"Good morning and thanks for calling the FCC, Sports Division, how may I help you?"

"Yeah, I was watching TV last week, I think it was Sunday?"

"Yes, sir, you and everybody else."

Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq went to the line 15 times Sunday, but he believes that was not nearly enough.

"Well, I was watching basketball and after the game Shaquille O'Neal started swearing right in my living room. I got kids, you know? What'll I tell 'em when this guy starts dropping F bombs into my living room?"

"Sir, there's only so much we here at the newly formed FCC Sports Division can investigate, and we're kind of busy ..."

"Yeah, well that's not all. After the game I was watching the Super Bowl pregame show? And they did this thing that was called 'Crank Yankers' or something?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, I don't know what it had to do with football, but they did a prank phone call to Michael Strahan where they made fun of fat people."

"Sir, we're kind of busy, and that falls under what we call 'The Fair Comment ...'"

"Let me finish. I myself am what you'd call a fat man, all right? I struggle with my weight, and to see this kind of thing when I'm trying to get ready for a football game? I mean, how do you think I felt, sitting there with my kids, watching them make fun of fat people? You think I don't have feelings? My kids looking at me with their big innocent eyes ..."

"Sir, you could have turned the channel."

"Hey, I'm not finished. I'm watching the halftime show and ..."

"Sir, Michael Powell Himself is looking into that one."

"Well, yeah, she's grinding herself into that skinny twerp, and Kid Rock turns my stomach, and then all of a sudden I got a bared breast right there on live television. I got kids, you know?"

"Yes, sir, I've gathered that."

AP Photo
Super Bowl security carry away Roberts after he conquered the "holy grail of streaking."

"And then I hear there was a streaker before the second half? I want to know how the sporting event with the highest security level in history has a guy dancing in his jockstrap at the 30-yard line. He had the name of an online casino on his body, I hear."

"Yes, sir, he did, but to the network's credit they didn't show that man."

"I know. I was just wondering if it was true."

"Yes, sir."

"And he danced like a jig or something?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's some funny stuff. Did you see it?"

"Yes I did, sir, a tape of the incident made its way into our offices."

"Wow. And he was out there for what, 30 seconds?"

"At least."

"Must of been something."

"Let me assure you, sir, it was hilarious."

"Damn. Sorry I missed it. Think you could, you know, send me the tape or something?"

This Week's List

  • If Janet Jackson had stood by her contention that she didn't know she was going to be exposed worldwide, here's a question: Would Mr. Timberlake have been investigated for assault?

  • Great game, several shocking turns of events, unexpected individual performances, and one added bonus: The best moments of the Super Bowl came when both teams played with all the artistry and precision as the teams from "The Longest Yard."

  • An immediate entry into the lexicon, so get ready to be sick of it very quickly: "Wardrobe malfunction."

  • Just for the heck of it: Dan Bunz.

  • Seven sounds about right: I don't know about you, but the idea of having only four blades on hand to shave my face is an insult to my masculinity.

  • Believe it or not, at the end of the first quarter Sunday here was the most prevalent question floating through the Super Bowl press box: So, is this finally the Super Bowl that creates the backlash against the evils of parity?

  • There are times when the facts simply stand on their own: Bob Knight's latest incident, apparently engaging in a heated argument with the chancellor of Texas Tech in a supermarket, occurred on Indiana Ave. in Lubbock.

  • Given his history of turning a bad situation into a worse one: It's hard to imagine Knight's five-day suspension will be his last controversy this year.

  • And finally, Michelle Wie immediately issued a challenge -- one on one, the back nine at Augusta, TV cameras zooming in, a title on the line: Greg Norman says women -- or, as he says, "the girls" -- shouldn't be eligible to play in men's PGA events.

    Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine.


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