- "History repeats itself." -- Anonymous
Touché, Anonymous, touché. You are always so wise.
But while history might repeat itself, it never does so exactly. There is always a slight tweak due to new or modern circumstances and contexts. With that in mind, here are my sports predictions for 2009.
2008: At his retirement press conference, Brett Favre tears up, but he later returns to the NFL.
2009: At his retirement press conference, Brett Favre's tears are intercepted by his eyelashes and returned to his eyelids.
2008: Golfer John Daly is found drunk and unconscious outside a Hooters.
2009: A Hooters is found inside a drunk and unconscious John Daly.
2008: The Olympic torch relay causes havoc in cities across the globe.
2009: A random guy running with a flaming torch causes havoc in cities across the globe.
2008: Jimmie Johnson passes his competitors like they are standing still, winning the Sprint Cup for the third year in a row on the NASCAR circuit.
2009: Jimmie Johnson passes the Sprint Cup into the stands, soliciting donations for the NASCAR circuit.
2008: Rich Rodriguez has difficulty getting a release from his contract in Morgantown.
2009: Rich Rodriguez has difficulty getting a table at an Ann Arbor restaurant.
2008: Michael Phelps becomes the first Olympian to win eight gold medals in a single Games.
2008: Upon seeing a bank of cameras, Sean Avery of the Dallas Stars wonders aloud why other NHL players go for his "sloppy seconds."
2009: Upon Sean Avery's being signed by another team, the Dallas Stars wonder why other NHL teams go for their sloppy, third-line players.
2008: Tatum Bell takes Rudi Johnson's luggage after being cut by the Lions.
2009: A player is forced to take up a career in luggage sales after being cut by the Lions.
2008: Tiger Woods wins the U.S. Open despite having torn knee ligaments and a stress fracture in his leg.
2009: Phil Mickelson plays in the U.S. Open despite having a torn inseam and a stress fracture in his belt.
2008: Yankees slugger Jason Giambi says he wears gold thongs as a way to get out of hitting slumps.
2009: Yankees slugger Jason Giambi says he wears black thongs as a way to get out of doing laundry.
2008: The Bengals are exasperated when former All-Pro Chad Johnson changes his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.
2009: The Bengals are exasperated when former Heisman winner Carson Palmer apparently becomes Gino Torretta.
2008: Alex Rodriguez is spotted accompanying Madonna to popular Manhattan nightspots.
2009: Alex Rodriguez is spotted accompanying Madonna to popular Boca Raton early-bird special, buffet-style restaurants.
2008: China receives criticism for putting a "cute" girl out front to sing at the Opening Ceremonies over her more talented counterpart.
2009: Sports teams receive praise for putting "hot" girls on cheerleading squads over their more talented counterparts.
2008: Michelle Wie is disqualified from the final round of the LPGA State Farm Classic for forgetting to sign her scorecard.
2009: Michelle Wie is disqualified from the final rounds of the LPGA State Farm Classic for shooting 82-87 in the first two rounds.
2008: Slovakia's women's hockey team beats Bulgaria 82-0.
2009: Slovakia's women's football team beats Marc Bulger and the Rams 82-0.
2008: Chinese officials deny claims that the Olympics will be plagued by dirt and pollution.
2009: Chinese health insurance officials deny claims from Olympians who got the plague from all the dirt and pollution.
2008: Lions quarterback Dan Orlovsky runs out of the back of the end zone while trying to attempt a pass.
2009: Lions fans run out of the stadium and into the street trying to get hit by a bus.
2008: The New England Patriots have their hopes of a perfect season dashed when Eli Manning leads a clutch scoring drive in the final minutes of the Super Bowl.
2009: The New England Patriots have their hopes of a perfect season kept alive when Tom Brady does a clutch "game re-start" in the final minutes of the Super Bowl on Madden 2009.
2008: Plaxico Burress injures himself when he drops his gun down his sweatpants.
2009: Plaxico Burress enriches himself when he sells a ton of sweatpants holsters.
2008: The Big Ten is humiliated again in BCS bowls.
2009: The Big Ten is humiliated again in BCS bowls.
(Wooo! I got one right already!)
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
ESPN.COM'S LOOK AT THE YEAR AHEAD
What to expect across the sports spectrum in 2009? ESPN.com offers things you might see coming, some you won't and some that will just flat-out surprise. Predictions to consider: