I am Manny, hear me roar!
Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has spoken with Manny Ramirez. Now he wants the disgraced slugger to speak to the team.
Turns out it already happened -- and Page 2 was able to receive the exclusive transcript of Ramirez's address.
(Scene: Dodgers clubhouse)
Frank McCourt: "Gentlemen, I know we're all still kind of reeling over the recent news. So I have asked Manny here today to speak to the team. Manny, the floor is yours."
Manny Ramirez: "Thanks, boss. I'm not used to giving speeches. So I looked on the Internet for tips and they said I should start with a joke to loosen up the audience. OK? You ready? What is Manny Ramirez's new nickname?"
Juan Pierre: "Womanny Ramirez."
Andre Ethier: "Ma'am Ram."
Joe Torre: "That's just mammaries being mammaries."
Ramirez: "So you've heard most of them already."
Russell Martin: "We have. We even thought up many of them ourselves."
James Loney: "Some long before this news came out, actually."
Ramirez: "I see. OK, let me try another one. A priest, a rabbi and Manny Ramirez walk into a bar."
Torre: "Just a second, Manny. I don't mean to interrupt. But do you mind if I record all of this?"
Ramirez: "Umm, I guess not. Why?"
Torre: "Oh, you know. In case I would, say ... write a book about my Dodgers years or something. Not that I have any plans to do that, of course, guys. What is said inside the clubhouse stays inside the clubhouse. That's an unwritten rule of baseball, am I right? But when I write the book, I don't want to misquote you."
Ramirez: "Sure. Whatever."
Torre: "Fantastic. OK, let me press 'record' ... and continue. Oh, and feel free to talk #$%^ about A-Rod, if you'd like. Readers eat that stuff up."
Ramirez: "OK, where was I?"
Chad Billingsley: "A priest, a rabbi and Manny Ramirez were walking into a bar..."
Ramirez: "Oh, right. A priest, a rabbi and Manny Ramirez walk into a bar. The bartender says 'What'll you have?' The priest says: 'I'll have a beer.' The rabbi says: 'I'll have a glass of wine.' The bartender says: 'What about you, Manny?' And Manny says: 'I can't drink alcohol because I'm taking female fertility drugs. I'll have a glass of cranberry juice.'"
Ethier: "That's not all that funny."
Ramirez: "I know. It's not. But it is true. That story happened word-for-word about two weeks ago. Remember, guys: alcohol and womb medicine don't mix."
McCourt: "OK, Manny. Let's move along. This is serious. Joke time is over."
Ramirez: "Yes, sir. Guys, I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I know you trusted me and I feel like I have let you do--"
McCourt: "Oh! 50-Game Banny Ramirez. That's one I heard."
Loney: "Meh. I think the Manny-as-chick ones are better."
McCourt: "Yeah, you're probably right, James. OK, sorry, Manny ... continue. I just wanted to say that one before I forgot it."
Ramirez: "Sure. No problem. As I was saying, I feel like I let you guys down. I guess I should have been more forthcoming with my situation. But I was stuck in that long contract negotiation this offseason and Scott Boras didn't think I should mention the fertility drugs."
McCourt: "Of course. Boras."
Ramirez: "But Scott was right, Frank -- despite how far we've come in this country, people who are on female fertility drugs still make only 75 percent of what males in similar positions make. And that's not right."
Juan Pierre: "That's a good point, actually."
McCourt: "No, it's not. You aren't really a woman, Manny. You used that stuff to cover up your use of steroids."
Ramirez: "Not a woman? Steroids? I'll have you know I played for the Boston Red Sox. Didn't you read the Mitchell Report?"
Torre: "I did not. I did, however, read 'The Yankee Years' by Joe Torre. And you should, too. I'll be signing copies in my office after Manny is done. Buy two copies and get 10 percent off my next book: 'The Dodger Years.'"
Ramirez: "Look, the details are not important. All that he-said, Manny-said stuff isn't going to win us any ballgames while I'm out. You're going to win by sticking together."
Loney: "And by playing in the NL West."
Torre: "You better believe it. I don't miss the AL East one bit."
Ramirez: "Right, you'll win mainly by playing in the NL West. But also by sticking together. I just want you all to know that I support you. And I know that you support me. Thank you for using pink bats in my honor on Sunday."
Ethier: "That was actually for Moth--"
Ramirez: "Shhh. Words can't capture how much that meant to me. And just as you have supported me, please know that I will be with you while I am away. A little piece of me will be inside each of you, like a tiny fetus growing to term over the next 50 days in a fertile womb. And with the right chemistry -- and I mean that literally -- we can be even stronger in 50 days than we are now. Like, muscles everywhere."
McCourt: "OK, that's enough."
Torre: "Perfect timing. My recorder was about to run out of batteries."
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.