Another edition of Mr. Manners

Originally Published: August 24, 2009
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

Football season is right around the corner and the sporting calendar is about to get even more crowded.

Mr. Manners

But we must always make way for good manners.

Dear Mr. Manners,

I may have punched my assistant coach. Now I could be in some hot water. Any tips?
-- Tom C. (Oakland)

Dear Trembling Tom,

Don't worry about it. In this economy, it's OK to punch your employees. What are they going to do -- get another job? Not likely. In fact, punch all of your employees in the face as hard as you can. It will make them more loyal to the organization because when they go to the hospital they will be grateful they have health insurance.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently may have insulted some people by saying that Tim Tebow is not the best ever. What should I do now?
-- Bobby B. (Tallahassee, Florida)

Dear Bumbling Bobby,

The strengths and weaknesses of various religions can always be discussed, but one who has good manners would never come right out and insult someone's faith -- especially not in this era of devout Tebowism. Your penance is to say five Our Tebows and do three circumcisions.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I am a chronic liar and I change my mind all the time. No, that's not true.
-- Brett F. (Minnesota)

Dear Bipolar Brett,

Is this a riddle? Most people don't like riddles. They find them to be annoying and a waste of their time -- much like how they regard liars and the habitually indecisive.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently built a $1.2 billion stadium for my team. And after all that money, it turns out the video screens hanging above the field are so low they can easily be hit by a punted ball. I don't want to pay an additional $2 million to have the screens raised. Is it okay if I just blame the punters and tell them to kick around it?
-- Jerry J. (Dallas)

Dear Dallas Dilemma,

You should raise the screens for football. Not a tough call here. However, if you choose not to, you must be consistent with your policy. For example, if you have the circus come to your stadium, do not pay for the expensive teardown of the equipment. Instead, have your football team play around it. Your free safety atop a tightrope? Your wide receivers swinging wide open on the trapeze? This could work. And it should appeal to your logic.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

A few years ago my boss and I stayed up late drinking at a local restaurant and we ended up closing the place down. I eventually passed out on the floor. But I awoke to hear my boss having sex with some woman just a few feet away from me. What are the proper manners here? Should I have politely excused myself? Should I have stopped the tryst? Or should I have just stayed there on the floor listening to the whole thing go down?
-- Vinny T. (Louisville, Kentucky)

Dear Resting in a Restaurant,

What an interesting scenario. I can't say it's one I have ever heard before. In such a case, it really depends on the quality of the restaurant. If you awake, overhear this and suddenly realize you have been asleep on the floor of an Arby's, this is just the moment of clarity you needed to pack up your things, including your philandering boss, and get out of there. But if it's a nice restaurant, just wait it out, enjoy the ambience of a fine dining establishment and pass the time any way you can. Look around you on the floor for some food people may have dropped. Eat it. (If you're drunk enough to fall asleep on the floor of a restaurant, you're drunk enough to eat off the floor.) This is a great opportunity to expand your palate! And also your wallet. The next day you should ask your boss for a raise.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I used to coach basketball at a university in Massachusetts. I took them to the Final Four one year. But then, before the program was busted for a major violation and had its Final Four trip vacated, I bolted for a big contract in the NBA. Last year I took another school to the Final Four. But then, before the program was busted for a major violation and had its Final Four trip vacated, I bolted for a massive contract at another university. Do you have any tips on how to sleep at night?
-- John C. (Lexington, Kentucky)

Dear Teflon John,

I don't really do sleeping tips. I do etiquette and manners, of which you appear to have none. However, try this: When you lay down at night, try counting sheep. The jumping sheep symbolize your wins and credibility leaving. And instead of jumping over a fence, imagine them leaping over an abyss. This abyss symbolizes your soul, which -- like your Final Four appearances -- has been vacated. Granted, this exercise may lead to nightmares, but at least you'll be asleep. I'm sure we can agree that you don't really deserve a restful sleep.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

In 2003 I had sex with some woman I had just met on a table at a local restaurant. Two weeks later I gave her $3,000 to get "health insurance." (I should probably mention that I have been married for years and have children.) Anyway, this all came to light quite quickly and I didn't have time to write to you for advice on how to apologize. So in my public apology, I kind of tried to excuse my actions in part because of 9/11. Good move?
-- Rick P. (Louisville, Kentucky)

Dear Randy in a Restaurant,

You did what? And then ... excuse me? 9/11? I ... I don't even know what to say. Please no one from Kentucky ever write me again. You are all hopeless.
-- Mr. Manners

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.