DJ Gallo's NFL Hangover, Week 2
Sunday night was tricky for those of us who are fans of sports and pop culture.
On one network we had an overwrought production full of glitz and glamour featuring attention-starved celebrities. And on another we had the Emmy Awards.
So for this week's Hangover I am going to set the normal format aside, and instead give out awards for Sunday's action to NFL teams, coaches, executives and players in many of the Emmy categories.
Set Design: Dallas Cowboys
Their new stadium is quite a sight to behold. The structure itself is huge -- almost a quarter-mile long. And it fits more than 100,000 people. But the most amazing aspect of the venue continues to be those huge flat-panel HD screens hanging over the field. Give credit where it's due -- those video panels are impressive. It's just going to be awkward for the Cowboys come December when fans switch the channel to watch other games.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series: Bill Belichick, New England Patriots
Thanks in no small part to a poorly written game plan, the Patriots looked mediocre at best for the second game in a row and posted their first loss of the season. But maybe that was all part of Bill Belichick's script. You know those "18-1" T-shirts people wear to mock the Patriots and their fans? Now the Patriots can use them for inspiration. 18-1 is the best they can possibly do.
Outstanding Director: Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings
Sure, turning around and handing the ball to Adrian Peterson over and over may not be pushing any artistic envelopes, but it's effective. And very formulaic movies and TV shows delight the American public year after year.
Choreography: Chad Ochocinco, Cincinnati Bengals
Ochocinco said he would do a Lambeau Leap if he scored a touchdown this week. In the third quarter Sunday, he got that opportunity. But Ocho wisely didn't jump into the arms of Packers fans. No, he picked out three Bengals fans in the front row and jumped into their arms. And somewhat surprisingly, for people who have watched Bengals football their whole lives, they knew how to catch.
Photo Editing: The photo editor who managed to not get the bird in this shot
I think this is the one second during Ochocinco's leap that the fan on the left wasn't giving the camera the finger. To the guy's credit, though, I'm sure in this frame he's yelling something incredibly vile.
Outstanding Supporting Actor: Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers
Normally a very reliable kicker, Reed showed Sunday in Chicago that he refuses to be typecast, missing two fourth-quarter field goals that would have won the Steelers the game. Yet it was still a vintage Reed performance. His misses were in the rain, and you know that when Jeff Reed is unable to stay dry, only bad things can happen.
Outstanding Actor: Mark Sanchez, New York Jets
Was he the best player in action Sunday? Not at all. But he put on a memorable performance in beating the Patriots. And everyone knows that voters love beautiful actors who are willing to mess with their appearance. Someone with Sanchez's looks and USC pedigree putting on a Jets uniform? Wow. That's far more unsightly than anything Charlize Theron did for "Monster."
Outstanding Actress: N/A
Bill Parcells plays a behind-the-scenes role now, and Terry Glenn is out of the league.
Outstanding Cinematography: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Oakland Raiders
There were several parts of this 13-10 game in which the camera cut away from the action on the field. Thanks for that, cameraman.
Outstanding Children's Program: Denver Broncos 27, Cleveland Browns 6
Not a very crowded category -- Denver's Josh McDaniels is the only child director -- but he did a nice job anyway.
Outstanding Visual Effects for a Comedy: Ford Field scoreboard
Halftime. Lions 10, Vikings 7. I don't know what sort of CGI sorcery they used to put that up there, but it was pretty amazing.
Outstanding Visual Effects for a Comedy: Jerry Jones
The Cowboys owner was visibly sweating in the second half. It's impressive that they have plastic masks now that can do that. Well done, Cowboys prop department.
Outstanding Voiceover: Gus Johnson, Houston Texans vs. Tennessee Titans
It was nothing but a regular season game between teams who are now a combined 1-3, but Gus Johnson made it sound as if it was the Super Bowl mixed with Ali-Frazier mixed with the apocalypse mixed with the birth of a prince. He just needs to be careful or he's going to pull something like Jimmy Fallon.
Outstanding Guest Actor: Mario Manningham, New York Giants
Manningham entered Sunday night's game with seven catches for 84 yards and a touchdown in his career. Sunday night he had 10 catches for 150 yards and a touchdown. The Giants may want to bring him back for more than one episode. He can be the replacement for Plaxico Burress. I just hope their writers don't fall prey to the lure of clichéd gun scenes as they did last season.
Outstanding Costumes: Cleveland Browns
Nice brown pants, Browns. For a franchise with a history of let's say, making a mess of things late in games, it's nice they have some pants in a color that will conceal those types of accidents.
Outstanding Variety Show: Chris Johnson, Tennessee Titans
He had 197 rushing yards and two touchdowns, as well as 87 receiving yards and a TD. But why do all variety shows have to have a cheesy element? I mean, Jeff Fisher? Really?
Outstanding Makeup: Whoever it was who used to put John Madden's makeup on
Madden was at the Cowboys game last night, sans makeup and lighting. That was quite a jolt to the eyes. BOOM! I was almost blinded.
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series: Martin Mayhew, GM, Detroit Lions
Through Week 2 Matthew Stafford is on pace to finish the season with the following statistics: eight touchdown passes, 40 interceptions and a 40.5 QB rating. All of those are worse than Joey Harrington's rookie numbers. By a mile. Play him off, Keyboard Joey.
DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.