DJ Gallo's NFL Hangover, Week 5
There were a bunch of NFL games Sunday. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? The greatest news from the day by far is that Randy Moss, in a recent altercation with Tom Brady, reportedly told Brady that he looks like a girl.
Of course, there are now conflicting reports saying that didn't happen. Perhaps Moss didn't say Brady looks like a girl; maybe he said he looks like a lady. Or a woman. Or the Crown Princess of Bradystan. Whatever. The point is this: Randy Moss is a great American.
So let's take a look around the NFL using classic Randy Moss quotes.
"Straight cash, homey."
Jake Delhomme is making $19.7 million in 2010; Alex Smith will have been paid $34.8 million in his 49ers career through the end of the season.
The above is fact, and also word-for-word how I'm guessing the NFL owners will open collective bargaining negotiations with the players.
"I'm in love right now. Who wouldn't want to be in the silver and black?"
The Raiders beat the Chargers on Sunday for the first time since 2003. At 2-3 they're tied for second (and last) in the division. They could easily win the AFC West. Heck, they could easily win the AFC. And the Super Bowl. I mean, the defending Super Bowl champions just lost by 10 points to Max Hall and the Cardinals.
I know it's mathematically impossible for every team in the NFL to finish 7-9 this season. But forget math. Use your eyes. It's possible, isn't it?
"To hell with them."
That was Moss commenting on the Vikings the first time he played against his old team as a Raider. In a preseason game. Ouch. I trust that now that he's a Viking again, Moss can let his old preseason opinions go. Just as we can now let go of our old preseason opinions about the Cowboys being good.
"With his baggage and everything he's been through, and my baggage and what I've been through, I don't think that would work. As far as him compared to the league and myself, he don't talk to me, I don't talk to him, so we don't even have a relationship. No communication."
That was Moss back in 2005 talking about possibly playing with Terrell Owens in Oakland. But now Owens is teamed with another high-profile receiver in Cincinnati. You can watch their exploits Tuesday night on Versus with the debut of "The T.Ocho Show." Critics rave: "It does not include Carson Palmer!"
"I think if we'd been getting me the ball earlier, we'd probably have a Super Bowl ring now. Like I said earlier, if we'd have done this since my rookie year, we'd have some jewelry around here."
Another Moss quote, of course. But it would be a lot cooler if a quote like that came out of Max Hall's mouth. Moss has carried a chip on his shoulder his whole career because he was passed over 20 times in the first round; Hall was passed over 255 times. And then he went out and beat Drew Brees in his first NFL start.
He needs to show some more swagger. But without losing his BYU roots. "What am I going to do with my game check? Straight tithing, homey!"
"They really don't know me, and I really don't know them. But one thing for sure that I try to leave them with is I am serious about my J-O-B. Once I retire and leave this game, that's what I want everybody to understand."
Brandon Lloyd is leading the NFL in receiving yards with 589. He had 495 receiving yards the past three seasons combined. Meanwhile, Felix Jones only has 197 rushing yards and zero TDs. My point is this: NFL players, we are serious about our fantasy football team(s). Even more than our J-O-B. A little warning would be nice.
"What's 10 grand to me? Next time I might shake my %@!^."
If Brett Favre gets fined as a result of the current NFL investigation, maybe Moss will advise his new teammate to break out this line to Roger Goodell.
This Week's Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Fantasy Team
Shaun Hill, QB, Lions: 21-for-32, 227 yards, 3 TD
Matt Forte, RB, Bears: 188 total yards, 2 TD
Michael Bush, RB, Raiders: 135 total yards, TD
Steve Johnson, WR, Bills: 5 catches, 46 yards, 2 TD
Anthony Armstrong, WR, Redskins: 3 catches, 84 yards, TD
Jermaine Gresham, TE, Bengals: 4 catches, 24 yards, TD
Quotes of the Week
"You're not going to go from a rookie quarterback to an All-Pro quarterback in one week or a few games or a season. It's just a progression that you've got to go through."
-- Jimmy Clausen, after getting pulled in Carolina's loss to Todd Collins and the Bears.
Meanwhile, as Clausen was saying that, undrafted rookie Max Hall was helping the Cardinals to a 10-point victory over the defending Super Bowl champions. Not cool, brah. Not cool.
"A lucky fan wearing my jersey 2day will get a signed football by Me & Ocho Cinco! My asst will pick U out!! Good luck!"
-- Terrell Owens, tweeting less than 90 minutes before kickoff, so he will get fined by the NFL.
If Carson Palmer tweeted: "Three lucky people wearing Bucs jerseys 2day will get an official NFL football thrown by Me in the general direction of T.O. & Ocho Cinco! My inaccuracy will pick U out!! Good luck!"
(Yes, I realize that is more than 140 characters. But I imagine Carson Palmer would be as good at tweeting is he is at playing quarterback.)
Stat of the Week
38 Detroit's 38-point victory over the Rams was its biggest margin of victory since beating the expansion Jaguars 44-0 in 1995. The Lions' biggest margin of victory since November 2007 had been five points. People of Detroit, I am so sorry.
Pictures of the Week
How They Spent Their Bye Week
Dolphins: Enjoying the excitement that is NBA preseason basketball.
Patriots: Trying to stifle laughs whenever Tom Brady walks by.
Seahawks: Taking a week off from winning forever.
Steelers: Wondering how anyone can play with a quarterback with the character of Brett Favre.
DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.