By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

Larry Flynt on religion. Roy Horn on women. George Carlin on Hitler. When Page 2 isn't Googling images of Amanda Beard -- for research, of course -- we enjoy soaking up the wit and wisdom of Esquire magazine's "What I've Learned" section, in which famous folks discuss, well, what they've learned in life. For example, here's George Steinbrenner on work:

If you haven't got a hernia yet, you ain't pulling your share.

Sums up the whole A-Rod situation, doesn't it? Go deeper. Here's actor-cum-neo-Schrodingerian James Caan on the weighty, eternal conundrum of breast implants:

I don't think silicone makes a girl good or bad.

Hey, neither do we! More to the point, we like Esquire's conceit so much that we decided to rip it off -- only instead of bothering to interview anyone, we made all of the following up:

With apologies to Esquire, we present ...

What I've Learned:
Maurice Clarett, 22, Inmate, Franklin County Jail.

Only God can judge me.
Too bad government prosecutors don't feel the same way.

Cautionary fable has a nice ring to it.

They say the camera adds 15 pounds. Well, those skimpy mesh shorts at the NFL combine add another 25.
At least.

Pepper spray doesn't taste like pepper.

It sounds nice, but the Denver Broncos' offensive line can't actually make just anybody a 1,000-yard rusher.

The Ohio State University? Hey, just keep the illegal benefits coming and they can call themselves Harvard South for all I care.

Don't sleep on the Israeli Mafia. Just don't. When you find a severed horse's head and a pack of Hebrew National franks on your pillow, you'll know what I mean.
Yeah, they have an Israeli Mafia. Who knew?

No one knows this, but I only challenged the NFL because I lost a bet.
A guy can't welch on a bet. Ever. Haven't you seen "Cocktail"?

Canada was never an option. I don't speak Canadian.

I get busted for lying on a police report. Dick Cheney still has a job. Life is unfair.

Looking back, four loaded guns was probably excessive. Even Jesus only had two hands.

What's a Buckeye? Shoot, your guess is as good as mine.

When you stop and think about it, being in jail ain't much different than playing big-time college football. You wear a uniform, you're segregated from the general population and you spend a lot of time lifting weights.
Of course, the weight bench at college is indoors.
Actually, there's a lot of ass-touching in both places.

I'm not jealous of LeBron. I am jealous of O.J. Simpson.

What did I learn from Jim Brown? That when push comes to shove, you're better off beating your girlfriend.
Who's Lawrence Phillips?

I don't know what a Taser feels like. Ask Dale Davis.

What the hell is wrong with A-Rod?

College football has lots of dirty little secrets.
Like, did you know that those little plastic helmet stickers aren't biodegradable?
I'm dead serious, dude.

Always carry a ski mask. You just never know.

If I could do it all over, I'd change a few things.
Such as picking myself in last year's fantasy football draft.
Speaking of doing things over: Did Britney Spears build that time machine yet?

Lawyers, guns and money. Two out of three ain't bad.

It's funny: You think you spend your whole life gripping a football, and in the end it turns out to be a half-empty bottle of Grey Goose.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.