A quiz you'll actually enjoy taking   

Updated: July 27, 2007, 3:26 PM ET

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Paid attention to the week in sports that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. English soccer star David Beckham's introductory MLS press conference featured:
(A) A crowd of 3,000 fans, 600-plus reporters from 10 different nations, Posh Spice posing for paparazzi, erupting confetti cannons and Pat O'Brien triumphantly declaring "Welcome to David Beckham's America!"
(B) Um, when does NFL training camp start again?

2. A federal indictment of Michael Vick accuses the Atlanta Falcons quarterback of:
(A) Conspiring to transport dogs across state lines for the purpose of dogfighting
(B) Consulting with an associate to execute a losing dog through electrocution
(C) Executing eight other dogs through hanging, drowning and slamming at least one dog's body to the ground
(D) Putting his Zapper right against the television screen, then trying to shoot the dog in "Duck Hunt"

3. According to the logic of Detroit Tigers slugger Gary Sheffield, which of the following items qualifies as steroids?
(A) Enema kits
(B) Rectal thermometers
(C) Preparation H
(D) Colonoscopy cameras
(E) Hamsters, if that's your thing
(F) All of the above

4. French luxury goods supplier Louis Vuitton is ending its sponsorship of the America's Cup because of:
(A) Concerns that the sailing event has become too commercial
(B) Concerns that Louis Vuitton's sponsorship justification process has become too unironic

5. To prove that she's sober, actress Lindsay Lohan is wearing an alcohol-monitoring device that detects:
(A) Cocaine
(B) Ecstasy
(C) Meth
(D) Sniffed glue
(E) None of the above

6. San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds:
(A) Overturned a laundry cart in the Giants clubhouse after calling himself an "embarrassment"
(B) Is more honest in a locker room than a federal courthouse
(C) Shouldn't be surprised when the clubhouse laundry guy puts itching powder in his arthritis rub and laxatives in his flaxseed oil
(D) All of the above

7. German cyclist Marcus Burghardt:
(A) Struck a spectator's dog that had wandered onto the road during a Tour de France stage
(B) Has never even heardof Bad Newz Kennels. And who the heck is Ookie?

8. After being suspended by the NBA for a misdemeanor domestic violence charge stemming from a dispute with his wife, Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest e-mailed a statement of contrition to ESPN.com, apologizing to:
(A) His family, the NBA, the NBPA
(B) The Kings, New York City, somebody named Hank Carter
(C) The Wheelchair Charities, all of his supporters
(D) All of the above
(E) Pretty much everyone on the planet except his wife

9. During the annual running of the bulls festival in Spain, a bull broke from the pack and seriously gored:
(A) A pair of American brothers
(B) A pair of American idiots
(C) A and B

10. Gary Player said that:
(A) As many as 10 golfers from tours around the world are taking performance-enhancing drugs
(B) One golfer actually confessed to Player that he was taking steroids
(C) Another golfer told Player something that verified others have taken steroids
(D) Curling is still clean. Probably

11. Tiger Woods said he would be surprised if a golfer tested positive for steroids because:
(A) If anything, they would test positive for "maybe being hung over a little bit"
(B) "Look at Phil Mickleson"
(B) "No, seriously. Just look at him"

12. The Milwaukee Brewers held a "Cerveceros Day," in which the team paid tribute to Hispanic culture by:
(A) Donning uniforms reading "Cerveceros," which means "Brewers" in Spanish
(B) Giving away Chorizo Racing Sausage bobbleheads
(C) Making bilingual announcements and scoreboard messages
(D) Having live mariachi bands
(E) Lou Dobbs' head just exploded

13. According to the New York Post, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady:
(A) Is in hot water with girlfriend/supermodel Gisele Bundchen, because Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, is due to give birth to Brady's son today, which also happens to be Bundchen's birthday
(B) Is gonna need more than the Tuck Rule to get out of this one

14. In an effort to make good on a national guarantee of perfect weather during next year's Beijing Olympics, China announced plans to:
(A) Fire rockets into the sky to scatter rain clouds
(B) Send cyborgs back in time to terminate Al Roker, Sam Champion and anyone else predicting rain
(C) Construct a giant, moveable disk that blocks out the sun and/or precipitation
(D) Dispatch the Stunticons to sabotage a race in the Middle East. Thereby obtaining the power source to control weather

15. China's official sports association publicly blasted Houston Rockets center Yao Ming for:
(A) Reporting late to national team training
(B) Spending too much time planning his wedding
(C) Making too many appearances for the Special Olympics
(D) All of the above
(E) Not using his incredible height to help chuck rockets into rain clouds

16. The editorial scolding Yao, which appeared in the China Sports Daily, also stated:
(A) "No matter how sweet personal life is, it can't be compared to the exultation of capturing glory for one's nation"
(B) The editors of the China Sports Daily obviously have never gone clubbing with Pacman Jones

17. An injured Illinois police officer who came out of a nine-week coma and suffered damaged memory was:
(A) Delighted to rediscover that the Chicago White Sox won the 2005 World Series
(B) Even more delighted to rediscover that he isn't a Chicago Cubs fan
(C) Not-so-delighted to rediscover Rex Grossman
(D) Still unable to recall the Marcus Fizer era

18. In the current issue of Details magazine, boxer Tommy Morrison:
(A) Claims that HIV is an "invented virus" that profits the drug industry because "there's no money in a cure"
(B) Reasoned that even though he tested positive for HIV antibodies, he doesn't have the virus, because "you can test positive if your bagel had poppy seeds in it"
(C) Says that he used to have sex with three women a day, "eight years running," as part of his training routine
(D) States that prison taught him that he "really doesn't like black people" and that blacks are "so tough until you hurt 'em once, then you own them"
(E) Is surprisingly not being punched in the head while being interviewed

19. The International Association of Athletic Federations, track and field's governing body, announced that:
(A) The prosthetic legs used by double-amputee sprinter/Olympic hopeful Oscar Pistorius provide less air resistance than normal legs and could constitute an unfair advantage
(B) The human legs used by every other Olympic hopeful sprinter in the world provide more actual leg than carbon-fiber prosthetics and could constitute an unfair advantage
(C) Monty Python's Black Knight has been banned from all IAAF-sanctioned evens, effective immediately

20. New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury said that when his current contract expires in two years, he plans to:
(A) Play in Italy
(B) Retire there
(C) Enjoy life in a country where his nonsensical soliloquies will be accepted as a charming matter of course, since everyone speaks Italian, anyway

21. MLS club Real Salt Lake reportedly had:
(A) Coach Jason Kreis write an open letter of appreciation to fans
(B) Players Alecko Eskandarian and Mehdi Ballouchy call season ticket holders and thank them
(C) A and B
(D) Team mascot Leonardo the Lion fly to Madrid and apologize for using the words "real" and "Salt Lake" in the same sentence

22. After riding for 111 straight hours on an exercise bike, an Illinois man set the world record for:
(A) Stationary cycling
(B) Stationary anti-chafing cream self-application

23. Video game maker 2K Sports released "All-Pro Football 2K8," which features more than 200 former NFL players, including:
(A) Joe Montana
(B) Dick Butkus
(C) O.J. Simpson
(D) No trace of Pacman Jones and Michael Vick, since the game is "2K8," not "2K9"

24. Former NFL practice squad player Mike Jemison was charged with robbery, burglary, aggravated assault, conspiracy, theft, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint after he:
(A) Left a stolen gun and a New York Giants identification card featuring his picture in a bag found by police near the apartment Jemison allegedly broke into
(B) Doctored his Cincinnati Bengals ID card to look like it came from the New York Giants

MATH

25. If the New York Knicks lose 49 games while paying $45 million in NBA luxury taxes for having a team payroll that exceeds the league salary cap, then how much extra money do the Knicks spend for each loss?

26. After the Philadelphia Phillies suffered the 10,000th loss in franchise history, center fielder Aaron Rowand said, "the guys in here weren't responsible for 10,000 losses, so what does it really matter to us?" Assuming Rowand is correct and taking into account Philadelphia's 46-45 record following the defeat, how many of the club's 10,000 losses shouldthe current Phillies care about?

ANALOGIES

27. Daunte Culpepper : quoting Gandhi to describe his falling out with the Miami Dolphins
(A) Stephen Coonts : quoting Ovid to open "Flight of the Intruder"
(B) Larry Johnson : invoking slavery to describe playing a children's game for millions of dollars
(C) Paris Hilton : claiming to be spiritual after a few days in jail
(D) All of the above

28. German cyclist Patrik Sinkewitz : flunking drug test before Tour de France
(A) Marion Jones : issuing statements through legal representation
(B) Broadcast networks : rolling out some Joey Fatone-helmed game show rubbish to fill the summer programming void
(C) Sun : rising in East
(D) All of the above

29. Gary Sheffield : opening his mouth
(A) Terrell Owens : opening his mouth
(B) Pacman Jones : leaving his house
(C) Commercial aircraft : jettisoning frozen waste
(D) All of the above

30. Boston Red Sox : selling "President of Red Sox Nation" nominations for $14.95
(A) Chinese entrepreneurs : selling lunar real estate and bags of World Cup air
(B) Lyle Laney : selling Springfield a monorail
(C) Every ballpark and stadium in America : selling $8 cups of warm beer
(D) All of the above

EXTRA CREDIT

31. An Australian rugby player who had been complaining of headaches and lethargy for more than three months discovered that:
(A) He had been playing and living with an opponent's tooth stuck in his forehead
(B) When it comes to dental hygiene, daily flossing and brushing isn't always enough
(C) His 78 toughness rating in EA Sports' Rugby '08 is criminally low

32. The Tourism Board of Paris debuted an advertising campaign designed to attract Londoners that features:
(A) A picture of rugby players in a scrum kissing and groping each other
(B) Shavlik Randolph is sonot going to France

33. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, current Pittsburgh Pirates and former Atlanta Braves player Adam LaRoche:
(A) Found the Braves' uniforms already hanging in the visiting locker room at Florida, used scissors to cut out the crotch of every pair of underpants and left a note reading "let it all hang out, fellas"
(B) Is awesome
(C) Should be working for the Tourism Board of Paris

ESSAY QUESTION: Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wants to buy the Chicago Cubs. In 600 words or less, answer the following: is this a great idea, or merely a good one?

ANSWER KEY: 1, a; 2, a-c, but only because d is not, in fact, a federal crime; 3, f, and we can't believe the copy desk left the hamster thing in; 4, a; 5, e, and it probably doesn't detect whippets, either; 6, d; 7, a, and really, "Ookie?"; 8, d or e, though technically, Artest's wife could be considered part of his family, unless he's talking about the people who work for his record label or something; 9, c; 10, a-c, who knows what curlers are putting in their butts?; 11, a; 12, a-d, and besides, "Scanners" is just a movie; 13, a-b; 14, a, though b-d are likely just a matter of time; 15, d, Yao ain't thattall; 16-17, a; 18, all answers valid; 19, a; 20, all answers valid; 21, c; 22, a; 23, all answers valid; 24, a, contractually-mandated Bengals joke; 25, numbers irrelevant, the actual answer is "less than the Yankees"; 26, zero, because we're all just taking it one game at a time; 27-30, d, and we're totally pissed we didn't think of a "President of Page 2 Nation" scam first; 31-32, a, after all, Randolph wouldn't go to Paris anyway, just lookat the Eiffel Tower; Essay Question, any answer that mentions Cuban paying genius academics to analyze strike zone umpiring tendencies and/or picking frequent public fights with Bud Selig is valid.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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