Page 2 Power Rankings: Rain edition

Originally Published: June 22, 2009
By Patrick Hruby | Page 2

Bethpage rainAP Photo/Mike Groll 

Welcome back to another edition of Page 2's weekly Power Rankings, where the confusion of a world in which the College of Williams & Mary considers an asparagus stalk mascot -- it has to think twice? -- is replaced by the clarity of making a list:

1. Rain

Only reason your local meteorologist weatherman remains employed

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9 5 4 3

Credentials: Giver of life, Monday golf and Milli Vanilli lyrics. Two out of three ain't bad.

1a. Beer

Also sloshed at Bethpage? The golf course! (rim shot)

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9 1 8 5

Credentials: Through Saturday, brew sales at U.S. Open exceed soda and water sales combined; drunk fans reportedly heckle Tiger Woods with "Suck it up, you've got your own video game!" Which, come to think of it, is kind of like taunting Woods for having his own hot former Swedish bikini model wife. Advantage? Sobriety.

2. Golfers Not Named Eldrick

Ricky Barnes, Lucas Glover, David Duval, Ben Roethlisberger …

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Credentials: Also discovered last week: evidence of an ancient lake on Mars. Who knew?

2a. Golfers Named Eldrick

The Brett Favre of golf

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Credentials: Presenting the Page 2 Power Rankings Tiger Woods Sports Talk Automator®:

10 IF "Tiger Woods won" GOTO 20; IF "Tiger Woods lost" GOTO 30
20 "How awesome is Tiger -- very or totally?" GOTO 40
30 "What's wrong with Tiger? Did he not wear the right shade of red?"
40 GOTO 10

3. Artie Lange

An unlikely [expletive] savior

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9 6 9.5 7

Credentials: With a single, vulgarity-laden interview segment, stand-up comic/"Howard Stern Show" regular rescues: (a) The United States of America from Round 26 of the Brett Favre Indecision '09 world tour; (b) "Joe Buck Live" from inducing large-scale narcolepsy. Whatever HBO paid Lange in appearance fees, it's not enough.

4. Roger Federer

Window of opportunity now an atomic blast crater

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3 9 5 1

Credentials: Enters Wimbledon with a chance to capture record-setting 15th major title … on his best surface … without having to face defending champion/tear-inducing nemesis Rafa Nadal, who withdrew at the last minute with sore knees. No pressure or anything.

5. Sammy Sosa

Calmly awaiting a potential congressional inquiry

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Credentials: Texas Rangers players, manager reportedly "surprised" by news that Sosa tested positive for steroids. Also shocked that Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson got together at the end of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

5a. Jose Canseco

Right again. D'oh!

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4 3 7 10

Credentials: Correctly tabbed Sosa as a 'roider in 2005's "Juiced"; now wants to have Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro join him in a class-action defamation suit against MLB and the players' union, even though he's the guy who wrote the tell-all book that ruined his character in the first place. Is ending up punch-drunk from fighting Danny Bonaduce even possible?

6. Matt Millen

Will NOT be held responsible for global warming, seven seasons of "Arli$$"

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Credentials: Former Detroit Lions general manger tells that Detroit needed "a bad guy" and that he was faulted for "the fall of the auto industry and the housing market … somehow, I had something to do with Kwame Kilpatrick." Subprime mortgage lenders, designers of Chrysler Sebring, Kilpatrick consider class-action defamation suit.

7. LeBron James

Someone get him a Snorg Tees gift card

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7 4 6 8

Credentials: LeBron James wears shirts reading "LBJ MVP" while shopping in New York City and "Check My $tats" while vacationing in Saint-Tropez; Kobe Bryant dons shirt with image of a puppet hand sporting four NBA championship rings during Los Angeles Lakers' victory parade. Also forthcoming? Travis Henry in a "Female Body Inspector" tee, Alex Rodriguez in a pajama top, Ryan Leaf in full Hamburglar regalia

8. Italy

Still has Monica Bellucci going for it, which is nice

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Credentials: Defending world soccer champs lose first-ever match to an African team, falling 1-0 to Egypt in Confederations Cup play; meanwhile, Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi embroiled in ongoing scandal involving female escorts and alleged 18-year-old mistress. U.S. equivalent? Men's national basketball team upset by Angola, while President Obama identified as the guy in the R. Kelly tape.

9. "Gattaca"

The future is almost now

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Credentials: 1997 sci-fi flick chronicles a future in which genes are destiny and society creates a class of super children who have only the best hereditary traits of their parents; in totally unrelated news, Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are expecting their first child

10. Tony Romo's Butt

Got it goin' like a turbo Vette

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Credentials: Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett reportedly calls his quarterback "bottom-heavy," showing a striking lack of familiarity with both Romo's girlfriend and the photographic contents of US Weekly.

11. Spencer And Heidi

Get them out of here! No, seriously

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Credentials: Irritating appearances on "Today" show, "I'm a Celebrity … Get Me out of Here" best argument yet for resumption of NASA's moon program. Sans the return flights.

12. Wade Boggs

Give him 60 feet, six inches, baby, or give him death

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6 6 8 9

Credentials: Former MLB hitting machine delivers epic, videotaped autograph-session soliloquy on steroid users, accusing them of cheating themselves, their families, their friends, their fans, "Americana and apple pie." On the subject of hormone-injected poultry, however, Boggs remains conspicuously silent.

13. New Yorkers

Kings of the hill, top of the heap, [expletive] you, buddy!

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5 2 7 4

Credentials: In annual road rage survey, New York ends Miami's four-year reign as the city with the angriest, most aggressive drivers; according to a survey spokesman, Gothamites also are the most likely drivers to make obscene gestures. Sigh. If only the Knicks had similar heart.

14. Nate Newton, Harold & Kumar, Redman and Method Man!

Touched by tragedy

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Credentials: Former mountain biking world champion -- and yes, there is such a thing -- Melissa Glove arrested and charged after drug enforcement agents reportedly seize more than 200 pounds of marijuana from a truck she's driving. Note: not an ice cream truck

Also receiving votes: Roger Clemens signing off from an online Q-and-A session with "Peace in the Middle East," as if "Free Mumia," "Save Darfur" and "Hugs Not Drugs" aren't weighing just as heavily on The Rocket's mighty heart; Kevin McHale telling the Minnesota Timberwolves that his dismissal is a mistake, and trust him, he has extensive mistake experience; North Korea's soccer team qualifying for the World Cup for the first time since 1966 despite ailing Kim Jong-il not being on the pitch to score 20 goals; Brettfavrebrettfavre breaking his silence to reveal absolutely nothing new, yet making headlines anyway, just as he always does, and we grudgingly have to admit, that's something of a talent.

Never receiving votes: The Twitter co-founder Biz Stone's blog post on the State Department's asking the site to delay scheduled maintenance so Iranians can continue to use it -- "It's humbling to think that our two-year old company could be playing such a globally meaningful role that state officials find their way toward highlighting our significance" -- which shows that it's possible to be convoluted, nonsensical and conceited in slightly more than 140 characters; "Moneyball" the movie being put on ice; director Michael Bay ripping marketing efforts for the upcoming "Transformers" sequel by saying, "Right now we are not an event. … We are just a sequel," as if Optimus Prime is, say, gearing up to address the Muslim world in Cairo instead of smashing stuff in THX.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.