By The Intern
Page 2

Remember last week when I described all the quirky, goofy, funny stuff that goes on day-to-day in an office? Well, everything can change in mere seconds.

Just after noon on Tuesday -- don't ask me how, but the words "crapped out" were involved -- we lost our entire network (Internet, e-mail and instant messenger) in one fell swoop. This was followed by an immediate mass exodus to lunch. Must have been a coincidence, right? At first, the mood was light, like your typical blackout or the first couple days of 'Survivor.' People just kind of sitting around, feeling each other out, cracking jokes about how primitive the conditions were. The only thing missing was Jeff Probst eating something infinitely better than what we had, while we fantasized about cracking him with a bamboo chute.

Bored after lunch, I returned to my desk and took a great trip down "My Documents" memory lane, astonished to find out that I actually wrote the following sentences during my four years in college:

"Overall, I think World Badminton Online is the most comprehensive and in-depth badminton site of the several that I looked at for this assignment." (Nov. 11, 2001)

"On the other hand, Roger Ebert gets right to the point, therefore giving him, at least in my opinion, the stronger review of 'Jurassic Park 3.'" (Sept. 4, 2001)

"Also, I hate the color green." (Dec. 9, 2002)

Back to Server Shutdown 2004. By the next morning, it was getting pretty dreary. Everyone was lounging around the break room, sipping on coffee and rotated juice, picking through remnants of The Boston Globe. Somebody had the comics, somebody else had the local news, somebody else had the TV guide, and so on. I had the sports and there wasn't even a negative column about the Sox to read (the one time I was in the mood for one, no less). In the Globe! Go figure.

By the afternoon, people were more riled up than Kornheiser back when Adu wasn't starting for D.C. United. The replacement part still hadn't arrived. Somebody badly needed a FedEx tracking number. I had 225 Shaq-to-the-Heat emails I couldn't read. And on my way out, I made the mistake of popping into the server room to ask Doug, the overwhelmed I.T. guy, if things would be running by morning. It was probably the first case in history of a temp trying to strong-arm a full-timer. If he'd been holding a canister of compressed air, I'd probably be wearing an eye patch right now.

Don't worry, the story ends happily: Thanks to Doug, the office is running smoothly again; the links are done; I'm back to IM-ing that model with 36DD's in Bulgaria who wants to meet me; and best of all, I didn't even have to call in sick on Thursday. Can you beat that?

Before we hit the links, I goofed a few times last week:

1) The dog that mauled Dean Rooney in "Ferris Bueller" was a rottweiler, not a pit bull. Thanks to Cletus for pointing that out.

2) is, sadly, a well-devised Burger King ad campaign. You broke my heart, chicken. You broke my heart.

3) Wearing "the pink jersey" means you're either leading or have won the prestigious Giro d'Italia cycling race. Fine then, injured Austrailian biker/plant potter Brad McGee will be wearing the lavender jersey from now on in France. How's that work for everyone?

Onto the links ...

Reuters (7/15) -- After running various checks, Spanish EBay has lowered serious bids on David Beckham's missed Euro penalty kick ball from 10-million Euro to 23,650 ($29, 270). Still seems kind of stupid when for $30,000 more, you can have a an autographed Sam Bowie leg cast and a whole bunch of other shh ... tuff.

Cleveland Cavaliers (7/14) -- A pretty frank letter from Gordon Gund to Cavs fans about the Carlos Boozer fiasco. Any time you have an angry letter from a blind millionaire, that's a lock for the coveted "Link of the Week" status. Congratulations to Mr. Gund. (7/14) -- Bob Feller rips into Muhammad Ali. This would be either the best or worst "Celebrity Boxing" match ever. Maybe both.

Seattle Times (7/13) -- A retired Washington state couple travels 55,604 miles to see every major-and-minor-league ballpark in the U.S. and Canada, finally deciding that Wrigley Field and Fenway Park are the worst. No kidding. I haven't been this angry since I brought my brother to London and he deemed it "not old enough."

The Smoking Gun  A reader found this in the archives just in time for the MLB All-Star game. Pretty hilarious if you can block out the fact that some of these guys killed people. When is Kimmel trademarking that Mug Shot Coffee Mugs idea?

NY Post (7/12) -- In addition to explaining why he's been eating off the floor of his music studio for the past few weeks, R. Kelly somehow manages to make a completely inappropriate Vietnam reference. Clearly he's looking ahead to the insanity defense.

NY Daily News (7/12) -- The extremely likeable Drea de Matto (formerly Adriana of "The Sopranos") talking about the upcoming NBC spin-off "Joey." Apparently the creators were sick of the "little annoying kid" storylines from "Friends," so they gave her an big annoying kid who doubles as the worst of many bad "Road Trip" characters. Oh, by the way, they're separated in age by six years. I have a horrible feeling about this. (7/12/04) -- Here's a sports column by Seth Stevenson titled "I hate you, Roger Clemens." (5/31/01) -- Here's a sports column by Bill Simmons titled "Is Roger really the Anti-Christ?"

Delaware News Journal (7/11) -- Epic tale of a Delaware college student that ate a bag of mushrooms, stole two vehicles and ended up in northwest Connecticut last week. My favorite line? "He decided to climb Music Mountain to see what was on the other side."

(BANNED BY THE PAGE 2 EDITORS) -- Let's just say that, if you searched hard enough on the web, Britney Spears's former husband for about 72 hours (Jason Alexander) gave a detailed interview to a non-American paper about his whirlwind marriage and breakup with Britney, replete with enough lurid details to make you realize why she sang that "I'm not a girl" song. All that's missing from this interview: "I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats."

NY Post (7/10) -- Here we go again. Knicks forward Vin Baker recently underwent sugery to correct an irregular heart beat that had been misdiagnosed for years, and get this: "People will see a new Vin Baker" this year. I'm still waiting to see a sober Vin Baker; does that count as a "new Vin Baker"? It's really too bad he's not still on the Celtics - I'd love to see him throwing back Red Bull and Vodkas at Great Scott's in Allston some night, then stumbling through one of those 12-minute, 0-pt/0-rebound games 18 hours later. These are the things I was hoping for when I graduated and moved to Boston. Instead, I got to listen to a cab driver complain about Kevin Youkilis stiffing him last week.

Las Vegas Journal (7/10) -- Marcus Banks could have performed Baker's operation, considering, y'know & he's a vet now.

Ocala Star-Banner (7/9) -- After being"shocked to find the kind of drinking and trash-talking that generally go hand in hand with poker," Cingular Wireless dropped its sponsorship from Bravo's "Celebrity Poker Showdown." Bad language and booze at a poker table? Next you're going to tell me Scott Weiland has been ordered to rehab. Or Bobby Brown turned himself in for domestic violence. Or Courtney Love has been admitted to an "institution." Unbelievable! -- Back in high school when I used to work at the mall and read Maxim magazine religiously, my favorite section was always "Found Porn: Somebody actually thought this stuff was innocent." Keep this in mind as you load the "World Rocks, Paper, Scissors" home page.

Albany Times-Union (7/9) -- Cool feature on NYC street performer Steve Mercier, who's currently making a living as Spider Man in Times Square and has ruffled the feathers of "The Naked Cowboy" in doing so. Whatever. Anything but the guy holding the sign that reads "Need money for booze, sex and drugs. Hey, I'm not going to lie to you." Seeing that always makes me want to go home, draw the shades and watch "Schindler's List."

EBay -- This seems about the right place for the weird auction item of the week. Who needs that cliffside wedding when you can pay $41,500 for an inflatable chapel that looks like it should be at a carnival? By the way, an overwhelming majority of people were in favor of buying the live-in 747 (from last week's column), but the funniest argument for the Star Trek apartment came from reader Rob Migala:

"I'd have to go with the Starship Enterprise. I mean, how easy would it be to get a bunch of drunk buddies to come back at 3 a.m. to re-enact Spock's death scene in the engine room, one of the most overacted scenes in one of the most overacted movies of all time. How emotional would the scene be when I'm watching one of my friends , whom I've known for 23 of the 29 years of my life, tell my other buddy, whom I've known as long, 'I am, and always have been, your friend' as he dies and we're drunk."

CNN (7/8) -- A reporter infiltrates a UPenn frat house to ask some of the students about various presidential candidates, and like most of my frat house experiences, results are hazy. One thing really bugged me about this: Ivy League frat guys pretending they drink Natty Ice. This must have been the theater frat.

MSNBC (7/8) -- Remember that scene in "Training Day" when you were scared the Latino gang members might actually kill Ethan Hawke? Well, there were real Latino gang members in the movie. And to no one's surprise, Quentin Tarantino is behind this.

Yahoo! Movies (7/8) -- "Lot ... of ... action!" Great news. They're releasing "Rounders" on special edition DVD on Sept. 7. Those extras sound great, but I think everyone who's seen the trailer wants to know how "the brothers" manage to get out of prison and chase Worm. "Hey fellas, you ever notice that every time he deals, he wins?"

Speaking of "Rounders," we dug up an old New York Observer column by Brian Koppelman, one of the movie's co-writers, on the closing of NYC's Mayfair Club (on which Petra's place is based). If your computer can handle another window on top of this column, Party Poker, Pacific Poker and Net Teller, give it a read. -- Imagine opening your inbox and seeing the subject line "Go home and get your shinebox!" and having absolutely no idea what the contents will be. Best part about this job. In this case, it's the official home page of screen tough guy Frank Vincent, a.k.a. Phil Leotardo from this past season of "The Sopranos." Check out the merchandise page, which features "Goodfellas" t-shirts and coffee mugs actually signed "Billy Batts." I could spend 40 dollars here, easily, and I just might.

Washington Post (7/2) -- Story of a dispute on Martha's Vineyard between a town and a mom-and-pop doughnut store being forced to close at 12:30 a.m. The highlight of the story is Peter Farrelly getting himself kicked out of an Oak Bluffs town council meeting... unquestionably the funniest thing he's done in six years. -- The official homepage of Mrs. Roger Clemens. The clothing on the "Baseballs and Butterflies" section might even be enough to kill Cher. And what are the odds that all the autographed All-Star 2004 hats end up in the greater Boston area?

And speaking of wives ... -- If you thought nothing could beat, try to 'contact Doug' from his home page. Just try it. And after this, I promise, there will never be another Doug Christie joke here again.

(At least for a week.)

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