By The Intern
Page 2

Mianne -- As reader Nick Urbano put it: "Happily walking on the beach & contemplating life without a penis." (Can we say that?) Ladies, gentlemen and ladies/gentlemen, the newest qualifier for the Ladies European Tour. I'm all for this being allowed, but there's if there's one clause that should never, EVER appear in a story about a transsexual golfer, it's "One thing led to another ... "

Yahoo! Photos (11/5) -- I think we were all wondering how a copy shop employee would recognize an ex-NFL kicker. Nice disguise, Cole. The anti-Finkel/Einhorn.

Jennifer -- Checklist for 3:30 a.m. Remove shoes. Eat leftover Olive Garden. Drink tall glass of water. Charge phone. Turn off alarm clock. Decide if I'm attracted to Jen C from "The Apprentice." Sleep until eleven.

CNN (11/4) -- Writes my buddy Pizz: "Two kids at my school ... one kid owed another like 50 bucks at the end of the night, or some amount like that. So he wanted to high card double or nothing. He loses. High cards again. Loses again ... now he owes 200. He says one more time, then he'll walk and get the 400 to pay the other kid. He scoops it! Debt erased." THIS is the kind of stuff that should be decided by high card (and that we expect out of Boston College material).

New York Times (11/4), registration -- A pet peeve: people doing funny things just to be funny (See also: the UNC pirate club), but I have to hand it to the Hamilton College streaking team. The campus shots of "Teen Wolf Too" will never be quite the same.

New Orleans Times-Picayune (11/3) -- Pretty revealing feature about Byron Scott's youth in Inglewood. I suffered from "Band of Brothers" syndrome -- a few too many characters in too short a time -- but the story works in a "Boyz N The Hood" way. At least now, if Baron Davis blows out his knee, I can picture Scott hopping in a canary-yellow Chevy Nova, blaring "What's Going On?" and driving into the night, choking back tears. (11/3) -- Worried about being outlived by a reptile (apparently), Jake Roberts has been convicted of killing his python, Damien. Wow. Either there was a different set of animal cruelty laws back in the '80s or being crushed beneath Andre the Giant's girth doesn't count as cruelty.

The Smoking Gun (11/3) -- From the brilliant mind of a wanted sex offender: Go on a dating show, confess to liking "freaky women" and use his nickname, Aswah. I'd say the only less conspicuous name is Roger Lodge. Think he lives in Sherman Oaks?

Yahoo! News (11/4) -- Me: "What a fool!"; You: "What a fool!"; Kirk Cameron: "What a hero!"

LINK OF THE DAY: -- This one's for old Chris Dion, who back in high school -- in between "How To Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich" and "How to Throw a Party" -- stopped carving "Skinny Puppy" into his notebook long enough to stun my speech class with "How to Renounce Your U.S. Citizenship." I think my teacher, Mrs. Lambert, actually had a small stroke when he started off about joining a Utopian society in Connecticut. Funny as this is, the process is more complicated than you'd think. I guess Joe Forte's in Latvia on a temporary basis only.

CNN (11/1) -- "It's affected me very badly," said Ron Silver. "I can't point to a person or a job I've lost, but this community is not very pluralistic." Amazingly, this story has nothing to do with Bel-Air porn moguls and district attorneys.

Boston Globe (11/2) -- Funny story about Doc Rivers putting Celtics rookie Al Jefferson to the test at practice. I get the feeling that if Doc had asked what number Robert Parish wore, a Royal Rumble would have broken out. -- Thanks to reader Nick Weber for catching the last line of Nicole Eggert's bio. Sounds like how the D-Rays took care of Tino Martinez.

Time Inc. -- As one of my ESPN colleagues put it: "This is weak, weak, weak. No locker room cap. No DVD. Just a bunch of Yankee fans in the SI marketing department." Tough crowd. If you're wondering, I have two "colleagues," and neither is named Peter Gammons.

KESQ News (11/3) -- Our long national crisis is over. After we find out what causes someone to shoot at Siegfried and Roy's, hopefully we'll find out what causes someone on the lam to stop at Kinko's. Did he want a photo on his travel mug?

Boston Globe (11/2) -- The Red Sox might not have taken sips of Jack Daniel's during the playoffs after all. I say, so what if they did? I've seen David Ortiz bartend for charity. Believe me, a swig of Jack affects him about the same as a sunflower seed.

St. Paul Pioneer-Press (11/2), registration -- The best steak I ever had was the porterhouse at the Denver Chop House and Brewery. On Latrell Sprewell's salary this year before taxes, Aquilla, Sher, Page, Latrell II, Ray and Billy could eat that sucker three times day until mid-December 2078. Or they could eat a big bag of Brach's candy corn, my lunch today, until mid-December ... 3121. I feel sick ... and it's not the candy corn.

NY Times (11/1), registration -- It's insane the sacrifices the boxers on "The Contender" have to make before they even get to the show. How's this sound? I will now permit, with no legal recourse, Mark Burnett to portray me by using potentially "personal, private, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable" information. I think I'd rather light myself on fire.

Eastbay -- Here's a $65,000 Allen Iverson Question that isn't "Why is your elbow brace bigger than your head?" Latrell's salary could buy this every day until June 13, by the way.

Million Dollar (cheesy music, over-the-top laughter) -- Check out the newsletter about the reunion of two old partners who hadn't spoken in seven years. And if you're wondering, the plate glass window incident happened in January 1992. You picked a president today. I found that out.

MSNBC (10/29) -- An expose on the sloppy and disingenuous (but completely noticeable) dubbing at the end of "The Apprentice." When you interview with Donald Trump, does he let you call back with all the brilliant things you should have said? At least when George Costanza blew it in the board room, he flew out to Ohio and started wolfing down shrimp. Completely pathetic ... now let me say it slower and louder ... COM-PLETE-LY PA-THE-TIC.

(George, his wife's in a coma!)

(Had to write that.)

Orlando Sun-Sentinel (10/29) -- Danny Forston is suing the NY Post's Peter Vecsey for calling him a thug. You can bet John Franco is watching this. And security cameras are watching Braden Looper's house.

Boston Globe (10/31) -- Leigh Montville with a terrific column on the impossible becoming possible in Boston. This could go on and on. I went to Harvard ... for brunch ... with Natalie Portman. I swam for an hour at the West End House Boys and Girls Club. I finally reached the end of "Kung Fu" for Nintendo, then treated the bouncer at The Purple Shamrock like Mr. X ...

Yahoo! News (11/1) -- ... I blasted R Kelly with pepper spray and kicked him off my tour. Okay, that wasn't me. But who gets to release "I Can't See ... Out My Eye", Jay-Z or Weird Al?

***If you have a suggestion for "The Links," mail it to***