By The Intern
Page 2

TUESDAY, 5/17 -- Back when I was on the Bar Mitvah circuit, if you slow-danced with the girl who looked six years older than you while some lame DJ played "Save the Best for Last," it was a good night. Now kids get to slow-dance with Beyonce while listening to Justin Timberlake attempt to beatbox. The game has officially passed me by ... -- This is my "oh sweet mercy, a lime-green hatchback" moment. -- Cool article about television sitcoms reflecting the polarization of American voters. However, the more important question involves how "Everybody Loves Raymond" became the torch-bearing classic sitcom. It's sort of like when Fred Jones looked like the best player on the Pacers for those first few games after the melee decimated their roster. I will now only refer to that as the "Everybody Loves Fred Jones" era. -- I highly doubt it, but wouldn't it be great if this was all a clever ruse? Say this was just some regular guy who, instead of taking a conventional vacation, decided he'd rather mess with police and care workers for a few days. When the gig is up, I picture him saying something along the lines of, "I'm not the Dread Pirate Roberts. My name is Ryan." - If I were a member of the media (am I now?), my reaction to this would be a report that Robert Blake admits to having sex with elephants. I'd then feign confusion when he got mad. -- I think Madden has finally reached HDTV status, where it has somehow inexplicably surpassed the real thing. Don't you sometimes forget it's a video game, and instead think of it as an entirely parallel universe? Right, me neither.

MONDAY, 5/16 -- "Your honor, I'm just a boy with a dream. A dream of becoming the best dope-dealer this world has ever seen." -- I guess this trumps my "declaring for the NBA draft" joke from earlier. Best line is when his high school coach goes, "He was as good as anyone for two or three minutes." I think Dwyane Wade gave the "Gold" a better endorsement than that. -- That's right, here at the Daily Links we don't just ask questions, we answer them. -- Move over Stapp and Hasselhoff, there's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Steve Wallace. -- You know what we need in college football? Responsibility for actions, some real discipline, someone who will quit catering to every self-entitled whim of these spoiled brats. We need ... Judge Judy. -- "'Darth likes to load up on lots of carbs and lots of alcohol,' the Dark Lord said about five minutes into the race as he lifted his mask to pound a Jell-O shot laced with tequila." Greatest. Race. Ever.


MONDAY, 5/9 -- Thanks to Jason K. from Richmond for relaying the Blazers' hilarious attempt at holiday cheer. Is this for real? Did Zach bring those flowers from his home garden? I have so many questions. But wait, there's more ... World, I'd like to introduce you to Ha Seung-Jin. Ha, meet World. -- Courtesy of Scott S., who claims that this was made by the same guys that did the "We're getting the league back together" fantasy football commercials from a couple of years back. This is simultaneously the worst and greatest video I've ever seen. No small feat. (By the way, don't give up on this before Tony Parker's entrance)

TUESDAY, 5/10 -- Not that this is a novel thought, but it seems like the funnier the comic, the more dark and disturbed the person. I think that was Eddie Murphy's problem. I assume he has become quite comfortable with celebrity, and is probably a generally happy guy. Which is great for him, the only catch is that he stopped being the funniest man on the planet.

Knight -- Hilarious worship of all things David Hasselhoff. Which brings me to a very important question -- who is the lamest person alive today? If measured in regard to indignation aroused, the clear answer is Scott Stapp. But if lameness can be judged on a scale of conceding admiration, well then you've got to go with Hasselhoff. For example, when I saw Scott Stapp on Celebrity Poker Showdown, I remember thinking, "Man do I hate that Scott Stapp. He's so lame." But when you see video of Hasselhoff wearing the flashing-light jacket at the Berlin Wall, it's more of a "You've really outdone yourself this time, Hasselhoff. Well played." -- Marquette made the brilliant decision to switch its nickname to the "Gold." Here was Dwyane Wade's reaction. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. -- Pretty fascinating summary of the love-life of Frank Sinatra. If you don't feel like reading it, here's what you need to know -- it was good to be Sinatra back in the day. That's right, nothing but groundbreaking stuff here.

WEDNESDAY, 5/11 -- Thanks to Andrew B. for this one. It's tons of fun figuring out what types of players your friends are. For example, my friend Michael is a cinch for The Guy Who Wears Too Much Protective Gear. He puts on ankle braces just to watch basketball. -- When Simmons emailed this to me, I laughed at first. But then I slowly realized that I was looking directly at my financial ruination. Drunk-dialing is always dangerous, but this ... this is going to destroy me. -- Last mention of Mitch Hedberg, I promise. But this guy said it perfectly. -- Great insight into the Hunter S. Thompson writing process, by way of his Rolling Stone editor. I imagine this is similar to the life Simmons leads.

THURSDAY, 5/12 -- BURN!!! -- I wanted to use this in my final submission for the Intern contest, but the site was temporarily shut down. Basically, this guy is going to hell on a bullet train. -- I actually read somewhere that Will Ferrell is a surprisingly good basketball player. According to this Q&A though, Bo Jackson's got nothing on high school freshman Will.

FRIDAY, 5/13 -- I felt like I had more on the line while taking this quiz than when I took the LSAT. No, seriously. -- At the risk of losing my job, I'm just going to come out and say it. I don't watch "Survivor". Not since the very first one. Hey, it is what it is. But I can think of at least one person who will enjoy this. -- The most recent entry (May 5th) illustrates the power of Page 2. We are not to be trifled with. Also, after reading the entry below that, can't you just picture Mark Cuban back in elementary school as the perpetual tattletale? With that said, I still say he's great for the league. -- I'm in shock, SHOCK I tell you. You mean that the ultimate prize of a sensational reality show might not be as glamorous as advertised? To be fair, it's been over three weeks and I still don't have proof that I won the Intern Contest ...


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