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Page 2 -- Still trying to make sense of $15 million for Brian Scalabrine? Don't. As it turns out, "Scalabrine shares a similar brain type with Michael Jordan and Larry Bird." Well, that explains everything ... or it's the single dumbest thing I've ever seen. (Andrew A. in Canal Fulton, OH) -- Nope, I stand corrected. Here's the single dumbest thing I've ever seen. -- The Simmons promotional tour is officially under way. Next stop is Oprah. -- I understand the "game-worn jersey" appeal here, but before you buy this, remember what Andy had to crawl through. No way that smell ever comes out.

Finally, I know it's a cop-out to lead in to a link by just regurgitating what a reader wrote, but there is a time for everything, and the time for shameless regurgitation is now. Link and lead-in come entirely from Charlie F.: -- Someone get Ron Burgundy on the phone ... he has a story to cover.

THURSDAY -- Responding to supernatural voices, man builds twenty-five acre corn maze to commemorate the Chicago Bears 1985 Super Bowl win. A crazed Jim McMahon keeps wandering onto the property and rambling on about getting a touch-football game together, and how doing so will reunite said man with his father. Restraining order is pending. -- Here's the scoop on a seventeen-year-old video game virtuoso ... who's blind. One of his intimidation techniques is to turn his back to the screen while playing an opponent. Even better would be if he pretended that he could see, then halfway through whispered to his opponent, "I know something you don't know. I am not left-handed." If he turned around THEN, it would be possibly the greatest trash-talk move of all-time. (Joe C.) -- You might remember actor Bill McKinney as the backwoods rapist from "Deliverance" who did wonders for my home state's image. Judging by the name of his website, he has no qualms with this legacy. But as fate would have it, he's also a Sinatra-esque crooner (click on the "music" tab). That's right, it doesn't get much more surreal than listening to classic sounds from the man who made "squeal like a pig" famous. And while we're on celebrity albums, here's the Daily Peterman ( You're crazy if you don't think I'm buying this. (Shaun T.) -- Like my inability to throw a tight spiral (quite simply my greatest athletic failure), my minimal "Simpsons" knowledge is rather embarrassing. But for those of you out there with some game, here's a solid online quiz. (Ariel in Somerville, MA) -- As soon as I read the title of this piece, I was already cutting and pasting it into The Links. It was love at first sight. In fact, I might be getting carried away here, but I would argue that, in his own special way, Chuck Norris is the funniest man in the universe. Want proof? Here you go ( -- be patient, it's worth it).

In what I hope becomes the first of many, I present:



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