Single page view By The Intern
Page 2 -- It's a day late, but I'd like to wish Julio Franco a happy 47th birthday. This guy is the greatest. When asked to respond to accusations of steroid use being the secret to his ageless success, Franco flatly denied them, instead proclaiming, "I'm juiced on Jesus!" He's also the only player I've ever seen use a Christian rock ballad for his at-bat entrance music. When it comes 'round to me on Thanksgiving this year, I think I'll be most thankful for Julio Franco. -- We're about two years from having tear-filled press conferences where players discuss controversial Madden rankings. -- I was reminded of the Neil Diamond Storytellers sketch yesterday, and realized how totally inexcusable it is to have never posted it. Problem solved. (Ben K.) -- The real-life "Searching for Bobby Fisher" kid is all grown up ... and he can beat the living crap out of you. (Jeff F.) -- Auction for a Zach Duke painting. I really don't want to hate on another man's art, but what the hell is that? Maybe it's priceless up close, but from afar it looks like Zach is showing off something he painted during "Art" in first-grade. (Chris M.) -- A Tom Cruise link ... for old time's sake. What's great about this one is that split-second where you wonder if the story is real (clearly it's not). In fact, this should be a game show. Show a ridiculous quote, and then have contestants decide whether it was said by (a) Tom Cruise, (b) Gary Busey, or (c) the imaginary talking kangaroo. Obviously, we'll call the show -- "Imaginary Talking Kangaroo." And I've officially lost my mind.

TUESDAY -- Ways Lawrence Phillips could have spent this past Sunday: (a) antiquing, (b) turning himself into the police for a previous domestic violence charge, (c) cooking up a batch of his World Famous Squash Casserole, (d) getting into a heated argument at a pickup football game and then driving a stolen car onto the field to terrorize the kids.

Guess what he opted for. -- Girls soccer team loses 50-1 when goalie opts to attend a rock festival rather than show up for the game. In other news, Vince Carter has officially met his match. -- Scott Spiezio shows off the new tattoo he got depicting his current girlfriend. Apparently he was acting "on the advice of teammate Bobby Madritsch." I have a "friend" like this -- we refer to him as Iago. (Ali K.) -- Check out the self-proclaimed "Commissioner of Tailgating." He lists his name as Joe Cahn, but I'm pretty sure this is just a festive Rob Reiner. -- The major beer breweries are competing to be the next official sponsor of the NFL. I think the NFL should shock everyone and go with an upscale winery. The ads could be hilarious. Hire someone with that "refined and obnoxiously superior" look, like Pierce Brosnan, and film him comfortably sprawled out on an expensive leather couch, pretentiously sipping his wine while proclaiming, "Excellent, Cowboys! They cannot stop your advances with the pigskin!" It would be a marketing flop, but I'd laugh.



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