By The Intern
Page 2

During a flag football game last night, I reached for a flag, lost my traction, and next thing I knew felt my forehead viciously collide with someone else's knee. Not only did I see stars, but I'm pretty sure this would qualify as the single most anti-Ray Lewis linebacking moment in history (and there's nothing quite like intense pain coupled with embarrassment). If I had been four or Vince Carter, I would have openly cried.

Anyway, the scruffy-looking undergrad/intramural ref told me I probably didn't have a concussion, which was quite the medical relief. I did, however, wake up this morning with a headache from hell that is just now subsiding. I am therefore placing an asterisk next to today's links. -- Although I have yet to hear back from Renee Herlocker, the Official Cheerleader of SGW, I can only assume that she is overcome with joy ... and probably in want of some company. It can get lonely at the top. So without further ado, congratulations to ...

Melissa Theuriau, Official News Anchor of Sports Guy's World! Votre vie ne sera jamais identique ... (Daniel W. in New York) -- There have been some absurd reality television premises, but this one takes the cake -- a make-believe trip to outer space. To complete the hoax, the unsuspecting cast members will "fly" in a studio shuttle originally concocted for box-office bomb "Space Cowboys," have a custom-built screen that provides the illusion of viewing Earth from space, and, for this to work, most likely possess a collective IQ of 74. -- Today's news of quasi-celebrities doing something outrageous for publicity. I think some of these Hollywood publicists could give Karl Rove a run for his money. (Brian V.; registration required) -- Sorry for the required registration link, but this one's worth it. In six words: Rick Steiner, Georgia School Board Member. I'll spare you the requisite "wrestling headgear as school uniform" joke. -- Heidi Fleiss plans on opening a "stud farm," as she so eloquently puts it. Some would call Heidi immoral for taking on the business venture; others would call her a champion of equal opportunity. I call her Aunt Heidi. -- Trouble's already brewing between LB and Steph. For me, it's kind of like watching an altercation escalate between a belligerent friend and a total stranger. Deep down, you know your friend is in the wrong, but loyalty supersedes that. Well deep down, I know Brown is probably right, but he still annoys me, and my loyalty to Steph runs deep. So screw it, I'm putting Larry Brown in a full nelson.

THURSDAY (Tim A.) -- Is this elaborate Lindsey Lohan story true? I don't know and I don't care. In the words of George Costanza, "It's not a lie if you believe it." (Phillip P.) -- On that note, here are some gossipy quotes attributed to plastic-faced Chris Klein. My personal favorite is "[w]hen a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no." If Chris Klein were your mentor, you'd most likely be dead by now. -- Dave Chappelle meets his mini-breakdown head-on while embarking on a national tour. Anyone else see the irony behind the creator of "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" throwing away $50 million for undisclosed artistic reasons? Not to say that I don't applaud him. -- If you're a Netflix subscriber, you might want to read this. Basically, you just got hosed by the legal system. (Kevin C.) -- Details on the NBA's outdated per diem arrangement. For someone currently mired in outrageous debt (student loans), reading this makes me feel like Brad Pitt just walked into the bar, rattled off names of all the beautiful starlets he's slept with, and then patronizingly ruffled my hair before strolling off with the girl I was talking to. See you in Hell, Brad Pitt! -- All right, enough with the trivial nonsense. It's time to get serious for a moment. After months and months of scouring the internet, talking to inside sources, and shadily stalking out team facilities, I'm finally ready to reveal The Official Cheerleader of Sports Guy's World (SG approved). Congratulations to ...

(drumroll please)

Renee Herlocker! Your life will never be the same ...

WEDNESDAY (Tyler S.) -- Under "trivia," note that Reggie Theus "[i]s considered the most underrated guard in NBA history." That seems rather presumptuous, but I guess it must be true. Reggie is also the world's greatest lover and overall human being. -- In a brilliant move, one media firm is offering celebrity-voiced GPS directions. Currently, Mr. T, Burt Reynolds, and Dennis Hopper are all lending their voices to the system. And since you asked, here are the Top 5 celebrities I'd like to have navigating me around Atlanta:

5. Isaac Hayes
4. Charlize Theron (or really any female with a South African accent)
3. Steven Wright
2. David Hasselhoff (for the irony)
1. Dikembe Mutombo

The Least 5:

5. Elmo
4. Jim Nantz
3. Bobcat Goldthwait
2. Scott Stapp
1. Matthew Lesko -- I'm basically indifferent to hockey, but I love Elisha Cuthbert, which probably explains why I just mindlessly dropped $159 for the NHL Center Ice package. -- Raptor Eric Williams is launching a retro clothing line in tribute to Black League Basketball, a rough equivalent to baseball's Negro Leagues. Of course, it should be noted that he made the entire league up. Some would view this as a fatal flaw; Eric sees it as "details." -- A man was recently convicted for trying to blackmail Gary Sheffield, claiming that he had sex tapes of Sheffield's wife and R. Kelly. In related news, after going through extensive facial reconstruction surgery, R. Kelly has assumed the identity of Little Rock insurance salesman Bob Goldstein.

Finally ... -- (Robert I. in Baton Rouge) -- Hands-down, the strangest Chuck Norris link I've ever been sent.

TUESDAY (Chad Y.) -- Make sure to check out the "News" section for Snoop's youth football league, which includes updates on the Snooper Bowl, Players of the Week, and Letters From the Commish. He's like the Compton Pete Rozelle. (Russell S.) -- Shane Battier doles out advice blander than an A-Rod interview. Seriously, it's like Shane thought of the most obvious, uncontroversial statements possible, then tried to pawn them off as profound.

"When I get tired at night, I like to go to sleep."

There, I just created a shaneism. (John G.) -- Sad story on former NFL kicker Cole Ford, who had a bizarre fall that landed him in a mental institution. What's even stranger is the random tie-in to Siegfried and Roy, who Ford calls "some of the most dangerous people in our country." I'm telling you, the Vegas act is just a front for something truly sinister. Next we're going to hear about the time Roy pistol-whipped Suge Knight in an L.A. club before going T.O. on the frightened crowd, screaming aloud, "WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?!! KING KONG AIN'T GOT &%$# ON ME!!!" -- "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." -- Dylan Thomas

Okay, that's probably a little melodramatic, but this "Arrested Development" article had me fired up for a battle cry. -- Top Ten Bizarre Celebrity Offspring Names. Although this one's pretty musician focused, how can you leave out the vanity of George Foreman? The man actually named all five of his boys George (even naming his two daughters Freeda George and Georgetta)!

Nurse: "Name for the child?"

George: "George!"

Nurse: "C'mon, that's the fourth ti ... "

George: (shadow-boxing the OB/GYN) "GEORGE! GEORGE! GEORGE!"

Nurse: (mumbling) "You idiot."

Considering the disappointing results of the UGA and Falcons games, the following exchange was probably the highlight of my otherwise depressing weekend:

Me: (checking NBA box scores during the Falcons game) -- "What the ... Raef LaFrentz has 27 at the half."

My friend Connor: (laughing) "What?"

Me: "Yup. He's already got seven 3's."

(brief pause)

Connor: "Raef LaFrentz is a man among boys." -- I already linked to it a couple months ago, but I'm putting up the phenomenally insane James Brown interview again. Officially, I'm reusing it because of the extended interview footage (the "deleted scenes rationale"). Unofficially, I think the link should be permanently affixed to this page and I just needed an excuse to revisit it. -- An auction for a one-hour tennis lesson and vegan lunch with Martina Navratilova received zero bids. I should mention that the PETA sponsored event started at a cool 20K, which is obscene -- I could eat poached koala every day for a year on that kind of cash. -- Details on Louisville's Muhammad Ali Center, a museum dedicated to the boxing great that opens a week from today. Greatest sports photograph ever. -- White Chocolate's Miami progress report, which only serves to remind me how much I once missed those Kings days. I say "once" because Stephon Marbury forever tainted them during an interview when, asked whether he was impressed with the flashy Williams, Steph smirked and dismissively stated, "Look, I was doing all that stuff when I was 13." His voice left no doubt that it was true, too. I felt like I had just found the perfect new hat, only to come home and find that Stephon Marbury had urinated all over it.

Clinton Portis (Jonathan C.; note -- immediate sound) -- Clinton Portis goes on a 10K Best Buy shopping spree. At this point, I'd probably link to Clinton eating a sandwich. He never fails.

Want to send a link?
Want to send a quote?
Want to write to the Sports Guy?