By The Intern
Page 2 (Greg G.) -- Although tackling Detroit brings forth the same dizzying Vizzini logic required of Jerome Bettis ("I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not praise Bettis. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not criticize those that praise Bettis ... "), this is a pretty funny preemptive strike towards journalists ripping the city. (SOUND) -- Fast-forward to slightly less than halfway through for a fantastic story involving Kiefer Sutherland and SNL's Andy Samberg. Let's just say Samberg and his friends are lucky to be alive considering that, at this point, it's almost impossible to imagine Kiefer not impulsively killing the others and stuffing a duct-taped and crying Samberg into the trunk before suddenly realizing, "Oh crap, I'm in real life again." -- Jodie Sweetin/Stephanie Tanner became addicted to meth, now clean thanks in part to intervention staged by the Olsen twins, John Stamos, and Bob Saget. Other than Dave Coulier crashing the party atop a magical kangaroo, dueling Stamos to the death, followed by Stamos whisking Sweetin to the clinic on the back of his Harley, this is about as surreal as it gets. -- Pop quiz hot shot: You're an insane pregnant Steelers fan, due the day before the big game. What do you do?

Shoot the hostag ... I mean, convince your doctor to induce labor early, appear on local news. (Jon H.) -- Compared to the dysfunctional Knicks, my Hawks are like a well-oiled machine. (registration required) -- This is kind of awful, but I defy anyone to read through this without laughing once. In brief, a jogger became annoyed with a nagging poodle, abruptly kicked it into the air, and now faces felony animal cruelty charges. According to the dog's owner, "the jogger's kick sent the dog four feet into the air and 10 feet across the street." Adds Kevin K. in Fort Wayne, IN, "I'd have given anything to be on that street when that happened just so I could throw up the requisite 'GOOD!' field goal signal."

Actual e-mail I received yesterday:

"A big [expletive] you to whoever sent me the wake up call from Xiang Lee at 7:30 this morning. I don't have to work until 10 today, so you officially woke me up an hour and a half early. I hope you're happy in knowing the fact that you legitimately ruined my day."

After denying it for over 24 hours, I can honestly say that, yes, Jeremy, I'm rather satisfied.

And it's Liu Xiang, you ignorant bastard.

(See Monday's Nike link if that makes no sense ... ) -- All the Kobe talk finally got to Raptors coach Sam Mitchell. Snapped Mitchell, "You %$#$%^&*#*&^% are crazy. I'm going to my car ... get my other gun. Shoot everybody's ass." He did no such thing, though. (Steve in Hudson, NH) -- Jerome Bettis receives Key to the City of Detroit, jovial bear-hug from club member Saddam Hussein -- Turns out VORP (as referenced in SG's Schilling piece) stands for something after all -- Value Over Replacement Player -- and is not a made-up cousin of "verp," the underutilized term for throwing up in one's mouth. I stand corrected. -- Most confrontations boil down to which participant is willing to go the furthest. Remember that if you ever get in a shouting match with Natasha Lyonne (of "American Pie" fame). She just might threaten to molest your dog. (Ray C.) -- My personal favorite from today ...

A Toronto bike courier was pedaling along when she saw a motorist toss a half-eaten sandwich onto the street. Enraged, she threw the food back into the motorist's car. Judging by his reaction, this caught him off-guard. Fortunately, a photographer was on hand to take hilarious pictures and bring internet fame to both parties. A heartwarming tale, really.

Many thanks to the self-proclaimed "semi-rational Steelers fan" who wrote in yesterday telling me to: (a) go contract a certain venereal disease from a certain Falcons quarterback, and (b) listen to more Charlie Daniels.

Obviously, when I was ragging on mentally unstable fans, I was in no way addressing you. That would be ridiculous. (Dave B. in MO) -- Article on Duke sideline reporter and Krzyzewski pal Matthew Laurance. If that doesn't ring a bell, think of everyone's favorite philandering doctor ... one Mel Silver. (click on video) -- Bull leaps into stands during bullfight and attacks fans, leading to the following exchange:

David Stern: "My hands are tied. Suspend him for the rest of the season."

Stu Jackson: "Umm, I don't think this concer ... he was already stabbed to death by a matador."

David Stern: "Fine. Reduce it to three games and a small fine." (Jon in NYC) -- Man who caught Doug Flutie's dropkicked football compiles absurd list of demands for Patriots. This guy is no different than the delusional clown in your fantasy league who keeps offering you Mehmet Okur for Gilbert Arenas because "you need a center." I hate that guy. (Jon D.; SOUND) -- 9 year-old Ronnie Lott lays out opposing running back, explains it was payback for insulting trade offer during yesterday's snack. -- Remember the PA kid who was tormented for wearing an Elway jersey to class? Elway got wind of the story and sent him a signed Elway Home reclining massage chair. I love Elway, but the only thing creepier would have been a signed pair of underwear.

My MVP standings at the halfway mark:

10. Chris Paul -- It should probably be Garnett here, but this is my list and Paul deserves mention.

9. Gilbert Arenas -- Poor man's Kobe.

8. Tim Duncan -- Seems about right.

7. Elton Brand -- Should be higher, but this year's race is stacked.

6. LeBron James -- Change a few of his late-game performances and he's right at the top.

5. Chauncey Billups -- The de facto representative of the Pistons Starting Five.

4. Steve Nash -- Watching him shamelessly (and frequently) bring out the "old man at the Y, whirling left-handed circus layup" is indescribably awesome, almost as if he's channeling late '50s Bob Cousy. Plus, he's the best pg in basketball right now.

3. Dirk Nowitzki -- Hard to ignore the 7-foot German dude in the room.

2. Allen Iverson -- The most remarkable athlete in team sports.

1. Kobe Bryant -- He's the best player in the world, has never won before, has a team of scrubs on pace for the playoffs, and has people contemplating whether Wilt's century mark is no longer sacred. I think he's earned it. (Jeff A. in Gresham, OR) -- NBA officials shot down Nate McMillan's Super Bowl field trip request, citing league rules against salary cap circumvention. Much funnier if you picture Nate as Mr. Shoop from "Summer School" and the Blazers as the loveable group of rejects. (Brett M. in Charlotte, NC) -- The "It's still real to me, damn it!" guy responds. A brief excerpt:

"This is an environment where Super Heroes come to life and fight the battle of good versus evil nightly. This sport is one where a child can still dream about growing up to overcome the odds and be the best he can be for himself and dream about being the best in the ring and be able to be called "champion".

This is the sport which I love. Professional Wrestling ...

It's still real to me ... DAMN IT!!"

I don't want to overdo it, but this just might be the greatest person who ever lived. -- George Costanza must be rolling in his grave ... -- Wait, there's more Steelers fans displaying complete and total insanity. -- Sign up to have Nike athletes Maria Sharapova, Amare Stoudemire, or Alex Rodriguez (among others) give your friends untimely wake-up calls (and if you don't think I just got a call from A-Rod verifying that it works, you're nuts). I foresee this ending badly. -- Tom Brady made an appearance on last night's 'Family Guy.' Throw in Bill Cowher and this could have been the greatest collection of chins in recorded history.

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