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'Whisker Wars' Rates Athlete Beards

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Sedin twins, Canucks

Photograph By Darryl Dyck/The Canadian Press/AP Images

Alex LaRoche: B. These guys should dress up as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for Halloween. I wonder which of these brothers always wins at checkers and which one loves baking.

Jack Passion: B. When else in history have two volcanoes been so close to each other in the same mountain range? These beards are too groomed, especially for the Swedish Viking roots deep in the heart of their follicles. Let the volcanoes pour, my sons!

Miletus Callehan: F. This is all wrong and obviously European. I can't tell you my true feelings about these goatees for fear of children reading this. I wish the Hanson brothers would give them some old-time hockey.