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Wednesday, December 4, 2013
The Griffins feel your pain, Saban

By Mark Schlabach

WEEK: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | BYE | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

Brian Griffin: "Oh, my God! What are you doing?"

Stewie Griffin: "This time machine has almost killed us a hundred times, Brian. And yesterday was just too close a call. So I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens."

Brian: "Stewie, your time machine. It was like your crowning achievement. I can't believe you'd just destroy it."

Stewie: "Trust me, Brian. It's for the best. And, hey, at least I've had some fun with it. You know what I did last week? I time-traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out."

--"Family Guy," Season 12, Episode 6, "Life of Brian"

If only the Alabama Crimson Tide could go back in time.

Oh, wait, they actually did.

In last week's Iron Bowl, time travel did irreparable damage to the Crimson Tide's hopes of winning an unprecedented third consecutive BCS National Championship. After officials put 1 second back on the clock at Auburn's Jordan-Hare Stadium, No. 1 Alabama lined up for a 57-yard field goal that would have broken a 28-28 tie against the No. 4 Tigers, instead of taking a knee and testing its chances in overtime.

Alabama freshman place-kicker Adam Griffith's attempt fell short of the goalposts, and Auburn's Chris Davis returned the kick more than 100 yards for a touchdown, giving the Tigers a 34-28 victory in one of the most unbelievable endings in college football history. Auburn won the SEC West and will play No. 5 Missouri in Saturday's SEC championship game in Atlanta.

"Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane, one of only a few Americans paid more than Alabama coach Nick Saban to make difficult decisions, knows all about being second-guessed. MacFarlane hasn't been popular with "Family Guy" fans after the show killed off Brian, the Griffin family's liberal and lovable talking dog, on Sunday. In fact, more than 125,000 people have signed an online petition to bring Brian back to the show.

"I'm not, only because, our fans are smart enough and have been loyal to our show for long enough, to know that they can trust us," executive producer Steve Callaghan told E! Online when asked if he expected backlash from fans. "We always make choices that always work to the greatest benefit of the series."

Sounds a lot like Alabama fans, who are smart enough and loyal enough to not dwell on the shocking loss to their bitter in-state rivals for too long. Hey, it was only a game, right? Saban's surprising decision -- and the game's stunning outcome -- earned the Crimson Tide the not-so-coveted No. 5 spot in this week's Bottom 10.

At least Southern Miss and Hawaii fans will head into the holidays in good spirits. Both teams earned their first victories of the season in last week's finales. After spending every week at No. 1 in the Bottom 10 this season, the not-so-Golden Eagles blasted UAB 62-27 on Saturday, outscoring the Blazers 49-6 in the second half to end a 23-game losing streak. The Warriors beat Army 49-42 early Sunday morning, gaining 608 yards of offense to end an 11-game drought. The victories keep both teams out of this week's Bottom 10.

With apologies to Steve Harvey and Seth MacFarlane, here's the final Bottom 10 of the 2013 season:'s Bottom 10
1. Miami (Ohio) 0-12 Stewie Griffin: In order to prevent his existence, Stewie's evil half-brother, Bertram, used Stewie's time machine to try to kill Leonardo da Vinci, who is part of Stewie's ancestry. The RedHawks, who have lost 16 games in a row, might have been dialing up their time machine when they hired Notre Dame assistant Chuck Martin on Monday. They probably hope he's half as good as Ara Parseghian was for them in the 1950s.
2. Georgia State 0-12 Mort Goldman: After the death of his wife, Muriel, Mort plotted with Peter Griffin and Glenn Quagmire to burn down Mort's pharmacy to collect the insurance. Maybe the Panthers and Atlanta Falcons can cut their losses by burning down the Georgia Dome. Georgia State lost its 16th consecutive game last week, falling 38-17 to South Alabama.
3. FIU 1-11 Meg Griffin: The Griffins' self-conscious teenage daughter is unattractive and has low self-esteem. We're guessing that's how the not-so-Golden Panthers feel after losing to Florida Atlantic 21-6 on Saturday. Their only victory this season was against Southern Miss 24-23.
4. Idaho 1-11 Glenn Quagmire: Paul Petrino wrapped up a 1-11 season in his first campaign as Idaho's coach, losing to New Mexico State 24-16 in the finale. This is a quagmire Petrino might not be able to pull himself out of so easily.
5. Alabama 11-1 Peter Griffin: The show's overweight and lovable protagonist often drowns away his sorrows at the Drunken Clam. We're guessing more than a few Alabama fans found the closest watering hole after last week's devastating loss at Auburn.
6. UMass 1-11 Joe Swanson: The Griffins' neighbor, a police officer, became a paraplegic while trying to stop the Grinch from stealing Christmas from an orphanage. It has become increasingly difficult for the Minutemen to compete when they jumped from FCS to FBS. Their only victory this season was a 17-10 win over Miami (Ohio).
7. Western Michigan 1-11 Brian Griffin: The Griffins' family dog has a weakness for dry martinis and once was addicted to cocaine after working as a drug-sniffing dog. The Broncos have a weakness for losing. Their only victory this season was a 31-30 thriller over UMass.
8. Purdon't 1-11 Cleveland Brown: Many "Family Guy" episodes begin with Cleveland falling out of the top floor of his house while bathing in his bathtub. The Boilermakers surrendered a 53-yard touchdown run on the fourth play against Indiana last week and it only got worse in a 56-36 loss. "No, no, no, nooooo!!!!"
9. California 1-11 Chris Griffin: The awkward teenage son of the Griffin family is tormented by an evil monkey who lives in his bedroom closet. The Bears apparently had an evil monkey residing in their huddle in coach Sonny Dykes' first season. Cal ranked next-to-last in turnover margin among FBS teams, losing 28 in 12 games.
10. UAB 2-10 Death: Death is the Grim Reaper in the form of a skeleton, and he wears a black robe and rarely removes his hood. But underneath Death's hood is a human skull with snakes and spiders crawling out of his eye sockets, mouth and ear cavities. Anyone who touches Death dies, kind of like coaches who take the UAB job. Garrick McGee is 5-19 in two seasons with the Blazers.

Waiting list: South Florida (2-9), Virginia (2-10), UTEP (2-10), double-fisted at Michigan, Eastern Michigan (2-10), Kentucky (2-10), Wisconsin's BCS hopes, Fresno State's BCS hopes, Memphis (3-8), NC State (3-9), Kansas (3-9), Tulsa (3-9), Bo Pelini's tirade, Army (3-8), New Mexico (3-9), Florida's offense, Arkansas (3-9), cracking at the Egg Bowl, Illinois (4-8), Louisiana Tech (4-8).