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Thursday, February 12, 2004
The hottest predictions of 2004

Page 2 staff

You think that flash of Janet Jackson's skin at the Super Bowl was hot?

You think Mariah Carey spilling out of a Michael Jordan jersey at last year's NBA All-Star Game was hot?

The Kiss
Here's a picture of Mommy and Auntie Esther showing how much we love each other.

You think that Britney-Madonna mack at the Video Music Awards was hot?

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Here at Page 2, we pride ourselves on our uncanny ability to look into the future and bring alive today those moments that won't happen until tomorrow. So in conjunction with this week's Hottest Female Athlete contest, we present our staff predictions for the hottest moments in sports between now and next February.

Oh, and by the way: We're fully aware that the Madonna-Britney tongue-twister wasn't a sports moment. But we were looking for another reason to run the photo, so ...

February

  • The car carrying the ad for "The Passion of Christ" matches up with the car carrying the ad for Viagra in one of the best finishes ever at the Daytona 500. It comes down to the last lap, and mysteriously -- some even call it a miracle -- the two front tires of the Viagra car slowly deflate in the final mile and it limps home to a second-place finish.

    Hot Enough to Melt Snow
    Check out our other "hot" content:

  • Vote for the Hottest Female Athlete

  • Don't forget about Page 3's sexy polls. Vote on the Hottest Female and Hottest Male musicians.

  • In an investigation of recruiting practices that stems from the University of Colorado sex-party scandal, an 18-minute gap is discovered in the tape of a phone recording from Boulder to NCAA headquarters. Forensic sleuths eventually restore the tape and disclose that during those 18 minutes, the discussion revolved around a national chain of strip clubs owned by an offshore corporation, which is in turn owned by the NCAA. Further digging unearths the news that the chain of clubs was purchased 10 years ago with collective funds from all Division I schools, with the goal of defraying the cost of recruiting.

  • Jack Nicholson and Kathy Bates smooch it up onstage at the Academy Awards -- tongues and all. Diane Keaton, unable to resist, joins in a three-way kiss-kiss-kiss.

    March

  • On Wednesday, March 3, Shaq and Yao go head-to-head again. In a moment captured by network cameras and broadcast around the world in slow-motion, Yao's head is seen in profile, sliding up against Shaq's sweaty belly and torso just like Ben Stiller in that shirts-and-skins scene from "Along Came Polly."

  • Donald Trump's "The Apprentice" actually turns out to be "Who Wants to Marry a Billionaire" (which explains why the ladies are ahead.) At the show's end, it is revealed that he'll marry the winner. In exclusive Page 2 interviews, the other two female contestants claim they both had brief affairs with Trump during the show's run.

    Dudes
    The San Jose Earthquakes hope their new shirtless uniforms will attract more female fans.

    April

  • Struggling to turn a profit, Major League Soccer's San Jose Earthquakes attempt to attract female fans -- as well as save money on laundry -- by resorting to shirts-and-skins rules for all home games. After the team receives a warning from local authorities, 14-year-old Freddy Adu is exempted from participation.

  • Struggling to regain the rankings lost when the show jumped the shark in 2003, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" features celebrity makeover subject Bill Belichick. Unable to devise a defense capable of stopping Carson Kressley, Belichick finds himself at the mercy of the Fab Five. Viewers are stunned when the makeover is complete and Belichick turns out to be Robert Wagner's long-lost twin.

    May

  • Just before tipoff of Game 7 of a hotly-contested NBA Eastern Conference playoff series between the Knicks and the Pacers, Isiah Thomas and Larry Bird kiss at midcourt.

    June

  • FCC chairman Michael Powell is shocked -- shocked! -- at a featurette broadcast on a local public-access cable channel in rural Missouri during the United States Olympic Diving Trials in St. Peters, MO. The featurette mentions that divers sometimes shave their body hair to ease movement into the water.

  • Confused about the premise of British cooking sensation Jamie Oliver's show "The Naked Chef," Jessica Simpson shows up for a guest appearance wearing nothing but a turkey baster. The Food Network reports all-time record ratings. However, music stores report no increase in the stagnant sales of Simpson's latest release.

    Elin Nordegren
    "Hey, Phil, over here ... it's getting a little hot, don't you think?"

  • Tiger Woods is paired with Phil Mickelson during a blistering-hot final round at the U.S. Open at Shinnecock Hills Golf Club. Both are eight shots clear of the rest of the field. On the eighth tee, Elin Nordegren pulls off her blouse, revealing only a halter top. Mickelson shanks his drive into the rough and drops a stroke on the hole. Amy Mickelson retaliates on the 11th tee, and Woods takes a double bogey. By the end of the round, clothes are strewn around the course and network cameras are permanently pointed at the blimp hovering over the event.

    July

  • Wearing that hot yellow jersey one more time, Lance Armstrong is joined by an adoring Sheryl Crow on the winner's podium after the final stage of the Tour de France. Lance douses Sheryl's T-shirt with his celebratory champagne.

    August

  • In a quarterfinal game at the Olympics, Peja Stojakovic heats up for 52 points, including 10 3-pointers, as Serbia & Montenegro stuns the U.S. As the final buzzer sounds in the 116-115 win for Stojakovic's team, Peja rips off his jersey and runs the length of the court, revealing that he is wearing a black sports bra. Hoops experts finally admit that "maybe we should sign more of those Europeans."

  • Later that night, the air conditioning goes out in the Olympics broadcast center -- another in a series of logistical boo-boos for the Athens Organizing Committee. On-air host NBC host Bob Costas becomes a sweaty mess.

    September

  • At the MTV Video Music Awards, NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue reveals a nipple shield when co-presenter Lenny Kravitz playfully tears away Tagliabue's white dress shirt.

    Clemens & Pettitte
    "OK, Andy, after we win, I'm to going to first grab you around the waist like this ..."

    October

  • Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte embrace and kiss after the Astros defeat the Yankees in the World Series.

    November

  • Unable to scrape together a living without her lucrative tennis prize winnings, Anna Kournikova finally accepts Hugh Hefner's offer to pose for Playboy. The magazine hits shelves on Nov. 2 and is the fastest-selling item in the history of retail. In a related note, write-in candidate Hilary Clinton stuns George Bush and John Kerry in the presidential election after a record-low turnout at the polls.

    December

  • The Saints' Joe Horn scores a touchdown and celebrates by stripping off his jersey and shoulder pads and performing a lap dance on one of the team's cheerleaders.

    January 2005

  • The revitalized Raiders face a crucial third-down late in the fourth quarter of a divisional playoff game against the Patriots. Trying to protect quarterback Jeff George from the push of New England's interior line, a lineman rips off a portion of Ted Washington's jersey and exposes the 350-pound Washington's man-breast. Oddly, Washington appears to be wearing a Nike nipple shield. CBS immediately switchs to a tape of "Heidi."

  • For the first time in 20-plus years, "Up With People" headlines the halftime show at the Super Bowl in Jacksonville. Still, another scandal breaks out when the top button on a male singer's shirt comes undone. He performs the rest of the show with his back turned to the TV audience.

  • In another attempt at counter-programming to the Super Bowl halftime, the two top female chess players in the world square off in the nude in a blockbuster pay-per-view event. The match draws an audience eight times larger than the Lingerie Bowl.